The first step in healing is to admit you’re not doing okay

October is mental health month but it’s an important topic personally for me as I too struggle with my own mental health. 

With the ongoing covid pandemic, I guess it gives us an extra kick in the gut and puts a mirror before ourselves on how everything just feels like shit all the time. As much as we love to hide it and put up our well presented face to the world – it doesn’t really help to become better mentally. 

I have always been writing about feelings, emotions, our inner world but I never really properly wrote a piece that’s dedicated to mental health even though I have been working on it on a daily basis. I guess I too have been hiding behind my writings and pretend everything looks slightly better online than in real life. But the truth is, I don’t want to hide anymore. I have been struggling now for a long time, and just recently learned to put more focus on myself. 

But I’m not the only one, I’m sure of that. As I’m writing this, there are countless people suffering in silence. Social media especially doesn’t make it easy to be open about our struggles, because it always shows all the highs of people’s lives. You’re never sure what to expect when you start to get vocal about your internal battles. You might lose friends – or even family, because the things you will share will be heavy, uncomfortable and require a certain amount of empathy, patience and compassion to be able to comprehend the complexity of your mental state. It’s likely so that you don’t even understand half of it yourself, let alone someone else. That’s why we hide, so we don’t put ourselves at risk that it will get even worse, that we might end up alone in the end. 

But the thing with healing is – it only gets better when it gets worse first. Like physical wounds, it will get more painful first before it can get better. Because of its invisibility of mental health, it makes it much more difficult to know, when do you actually get better and how does that work then? There is no one clear answer and not one method that works for everyone. But one thing I’m sure of and that is

You can only heal when you first start to admit you’re not doing okay

That in itself is extremely difficult to do, but once you have overcome the feelings of shame, of your own ego and all that blocks you from healing, you will finally admit to yourself “I’m not okay”. If you have reached that point – be so proud of yourself because it will be half the battle. There is so much strength in that that shows willpower for betterment. That’s not nothing. And that is exactly the confirmation that you need – that in times of self-doubt, remind yourself that you are strong for taking the first step in healing. 

Just because you’re afraid to lose people doesn’t mean you need to lose yourself first to keep those same people around by keeping silence, by hiding for your own battle. 

You come first, always

Coming out of the neurotic closet

The first time that I went out, I followed the trail of light that seems to get lighter as I continuously walked down the path that has been colored into a bright golden yellow color. It was soothing, almost in a way that my soul got nourished again after a very long hibernation. All my muscles still felt sore and made a cracking sound when I stretched my arms out. But soon my eyes started to hurt from the brightness of the sky, and my ears couldn’t handle the overlapping sound of an unidentified amount of voices.

So I retreated and crept back into the closet and locked myself up in total darkness.

Leaning against the wooden surface and hiding between the clothes so no one could see how embarrassed I was.

Though there was no light coming in the closet, the small space made it hard for me to find the right position to sleep in. All the tossing and turning made me dizzy and nauseous. The only option was to lay still. While my physical body stays unmoved, my mind was driving over hours to keep me away from another good night rest.

The next morning I decided to take a leap of faith and open the closet door after having been closed for twenty-four hours. The same trail of light reveals itself before me and I thought I saw footsteps in the shadow of the sunlight for a moment. After I blinked my eyes for a few times, the footsteps remained at the same spots. Birds chirping cheerfully and excited that it shook me out of the constant buzzing sound of my own anxiety for the time being. And that has triggered me to take the first step out of the closet again, this time on the footprint before me. Once my right foot touched the ground, I followed the rest of the footsteps. Each step was less heavy on my heart and at some point, I even started to find myself light on my feet and dancing on the rhythm of the chirping birds.

Further down the road, I shed invisible layers of toxicity that kept me from feeling.

Each layer I laid down, a new found feeling aroused in me. An overwhelming flood of sadness went over me. Deeper down the road, I was able to feel deeper, such as feelings of hurt and bitterness. Then, the path came to an end and I stood on the edge of a bridge, with meters of air below me. But I was afraid. Too afraid to continue to walk. The chirping sound made me look back. As I look back on how many steps I have taken, I knew exactly what I needed to do.

After a deep breath, I removed the heaviest layer off my body: fear.

After having it covered me for such a long time, I got used to it and confused it with a safety blanket. When it hit the ground, the soil below me started to rumble and shake. As fast as a lightning bolt, I went as straight as a line through the unstable bridge, laughing like an idiot while running through the air and feeling like I could finally handle the uncertainties of life.

Not hiding from it, not running away from it but accepting that it is a part of life.

 

From the girl who rambles through life 

 

Why ”saving face” is totally overrated and emotionally unhealthy

For the ones who have never heard of the concept of face, let me break it down for you briefly. Saving ‘’face’’ and losing ‘’face’’ is an essential part of many Asian cultures.

‘’Face’’ in this context means social standing and reputation which hold a high rank in the lives in the East.

From generation to generation, this concept is rolled out as a bright red thread that guides youngsters to be humble and discreet. By the time they turned into parents themselves, they too roll out the same red thread to their children, following the same patterns that have been passed down ages ago. It’s the heritage of each Asian offspring.

I was one of those kids playing and wandering around until I too saw the same red thread. The color popped out from afar and tempted me to go after it.

Once I picked it up off the ground, the thread tied around my hand and made a knot so tight that made it impossible for me to untie it.

Where I first could walk freely, the thread pulled me away the second it sensed any risk that I would lose my face or worse; making someone else loses their face.

The constant pulling caused more than only the painful imprints of the thread around my wrist. Mostly, it caused pain from within; emotional pain.

I’ve learned to behave within the space that the thread has created for me.

Somehow, I’ve always felt restrained by the small spaces and got trouble breathing out any emotion that would break the red thread that was treasured deeply within the family. It was our own responsibility to swallow anything that could bring discomfort in the family reputation when we break our own reputation at first. So, when we breathe in any obstacle that we come across, we would swallow it and not knowing that it would slowly melt into our body. Then, it would turn us insecure each passing day when it stays unresolved and unspoken.

The red thread didn’t guide me to a safe place where I could have heart-to-hearts. It didn’t guide me to comforting shoulders to cry on when the flood of tears streamed down my face. It didn’t guide me to places where I could learn and make mistakes.

It didn’t guide me to places where I could comfortably express on the spot without calculating in advance if it was appropriate or not.

Instead, it was quite a task to live around this red thread.

Many times, it felt like I was walking on the thin thread.  Scared to death that I would fall off, I became overly careful with each step which turned me into an overly discreet and anxious person. Others, especially inside our community, didn’t view me as a hero just because I saved so many faces on endless occasions. It was the normal thing to do and not an exception where you would receive praises and ‘’I’m proud of you’’ speeches.

On the contrary, encouraging words and emotional bonding is not existent in our culture.

We may save face and keep a reputation but lose so much more in return.

We may save face but lose the emotional support of loved ones because of the fact that no one dares to talk about their feelings, and therefore not knowing how to respond to it once someone tries to open up about it.

We may save face but lose the ability to express.

We may save face but lose a sense of being.

We may come across as a put together and accomplished person but losing touch with what’s really going on with ourselves.

Maybe it’s about time to change the thread for the sake of our future generations and set our egos aside.

Instead of saving face, we should emphasize more on the real face behind the mask that we have built to protect ourselves.

We shouldn’t be afraid of losing any reputation when it is based on how others view us. We should open up more to get a better understanding between generations and not keeping silent for things that need to be said and things that need to be felt.

From the girl who rambles through life

 

 

Stress about one thing at a time

Traveling is fun, exciting, adventurous and above all, challenging. No one shows you the obstacles and frustations, like the endless delays, problems with exchanging money and the classic one when you get lost without any sign of internet connection. And trust me, you will get lost no matter how accurate you have planned everything out. Traveling challenges us to be even more aware around us and especially towards ourselves. It tests our patience at times when we crave for food and water but no convenience store is within sight. Even for the most calm ones, stress is unavoidable. And we all know, stress is as deadly as smoking. Nah, I just made that up, but it could be, who knows?

As much as it is applicable when traveling, we experience stress on a daily basis due to other circumstances. I could tell you to not stress, but we all know that it’s impossible to not to because it’s in our human nature to stress in order to protect ourselves and keep ourselves sharp. It’s hard to distinguish whether to stress about a certain situation or not, but what certainly will work is to keep focus on one thing at a time. Instead of spreading it thin and getting it all over the place, just decide on one spot that you give yourself permission to make a mess of it. What helps to decide on what to stress about is to focus on consequences of things that already have happened and current situations which transpire into obvious results that will work against you. Keep off yourself thinking of all the worse case possibilities of things that aren’t even have happened yet. Keep the stress carefully stored in one place, don’t let it all get spilled, making your vision blurry and your mind stuffy.

It’s too easy to let stress takes on the lead and makes you even further away to stay rational and calm. Our body fuels itself with the stress hormone cortisol when things aren’t going the way you have imagined it would be or when you sense danger is around the corner. This is such a broad context that you can get stress any time of the day, no matter in what amount. The moment when it hits your system, it’s hard to have it under control and what started with one problem may multiply into more and before you know it, a mental breakdown comes knocking on your door to pay a unwelcoming visit to you. And no one in this whole wide universe is waiting for a visit on a quiet Thursday afternoon, especially when you don’t expect any one and just want to be left alone with bliss and peace.

Stress about one thing at a time.

Through this way, we actually make some good use out of something that otherwise just drag us into a spiral of stress about things that haven’t even have happened yet. Trust me, I’m an expert in stressing about things in the far, far future while I am sure it’s much more productive and healthy to use that same amount of stress to focus on my current issues in the present day and turn it into motivarion instead.

Why fight it when you can use it for your own sake? 

Stress about one thing at a time and use it in your favour to turn it into motivation instead to help you trigger all what worries your mind.

Peace out.

From the girl who rambles through life

Oh Mother Nature, show us our true colors

Raindrops ticking rapidly on the windows. Pebbles forming on the streets while the sunlight is hiding behind an enormous cloud. Footsteps increasing with every drop. The sound of rain hitting the soil with the thunder above the impatience.

”Why is it raining?” a child asks her mother.
”Because it is testing our patience.”
The child never understood what she meant until the day she did.

She looked up and a drop of water touched her face. Countless people hurried their paces and opened their umbrellas together with their complaints. Worrying lines appeared on blank canvases and she can feel the impatience in the air.

The next day, the sun has chased away the grimness and is dominating the sky. Vivid blue with specks of white dots. How funny that the same people who walked down the streets on their way to work can appear so different in a brighter light. Mouth angles on perfect angles as if it’s created by a swing that goes back and forth.

A person doesn’t show their true colors when all circumstances are aligned towards them. A person shows their true colors, whether they like it or not when all circumstances are indeed not aligned towards them.

Little Miss Sunshine can suddenly turn into Miss Thunderstorm when things don’t go her way.

~ Oh Mother Nature, show us our true colors.
~ Oh Mother Nature, reveal the true light of all of us.

Trees keep being cut down.
Forests lit up into a gigantic fireplace.
Oceans poisoned by ignorant habits.
Less and less green reflected on our eyes.
We deceived ourselves by thinking that we have the upper hand but
we don’t even realize that we are the puppets for the consequences of our own actions.

The sky turned grey again and all of a sudden, she felt the same strain of impatience slowly closing in her. She felt suffocated, not because of the air – but those who inhaled impatience and exhaled negative energy.

Like second handed smoking. And guess what? She has never liked smoking.

From the girl who rambles through life. 

A Positive Thought A Day Keeps The Demons Away

I’m pretty sure my mind is playing tricks on me all the time. I overthink and overanalyze to the point that I start to worry about the outcomes that I have subconsciously put in my mind that haven’t even happened yet. You could pretty much say that I’m a pessimist in this sense. When there is nothing yet to worry about, I would still manage to find something to worry about. My mind gets so stuffed with worries that it can explode anytime soon. And it doesn’t stop at the end of the day. To the contrary, it keeps me awake until my eyes cannot handle the gravity and decide to give in eventually. And so, demons of worries creep into my sleep and disturb me in my most vulnerable form.

They appear in my peaceful dreams and turn it into nightmares where they follow me in deadend narrow alleys that give me no choice but to turn around, seeing them lurking around, waiting for the right moment to attack me. As more negative thoughts rushed through me, the more monsters appear before my eyes until they disappear for a moment when I wake up to reality.

But reality doesn’t quite differ from the dreams. I still feel their presence around me, as if they were sitting on my shoulders as I try to get through the day. Some days are fine as I could withstand the weight on my shoulders. But other days, I get more tired easily by the strong force that put a huge amount of pressure on me.  My body will feel weak and worn out from the constant attacks from the demons on my shoulders.
It’s the same when we feel light like a feather when everything goes accordingly in our mind. It’s those days when we can lift up anything without any struggle; our mouth angles which turned to smiles, our eyelids which turned to bright curious visions and our defeated posture into a mighty shield.

A positive thought a day keeps the demons away. 

Maybe not all at once, maybe they will return. But at least for the time being, you could feel that the tension has decreased for a little bit. Just a little bit is already enough to make you feel better. Just one positive thought a day will be enough to take the pressure off your shoulders for a little time. But that little time is enough to stretch your shoulders and build some muscles to strengthen your body for the next time around.

So that next time you could defend yourself better when there is a mass of demons approaching you. Maybe you will get defeated again, maybe you will get hurt once again.

Still, a positive thought a day keeps the demons away for the time being. 

Every time you manage to get up yet again with sore shoulders, you are getting there. You will get stronger when you outweigh them by consciously thinking of positive things. Maybe not all at once, maybe they will return. But you will be stronger and more prepared.

Why risk the fact that you could disappear by their overwhelming presence? Shine through their darkness and pierce through their relentless intentions.
It will be an incredibly tough combat to fight, assuming our mind is our enemy as well as our savior at the same time. Destroy the part which makes you anything but alive by thinking about anything that reminds you that you are – indeed – alive.

From the girl who rambles through life