Meet me in January

It’s that time of the year again to do some reflection. A year of exploration and letting go. It has been such a fluctuating year of high and low emotions that I need to hold tightly on a railing to prevent myself from falling. Fortunately, the storm has been calmed down for a bit and I am slowly preparing myself for the new year, for upcoming January. For 2019.

Forgiveness, meet me in January.

Forgive and forget. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I usually apply this in my life. One of my biggest sins is that I can’t seem to let go of things that have hurt me in the past. Though there are situations that I tried to forgive and forget, I still get vengeful if I think about it. My inner Scorpio would come out during such moments and stretched out its poisoned claws in the daylight, showing my ugliest side possible. This also applies to myself where I would beat myself up time after time for past mistakes. Teach me how to take the higher road and surrender to the sweetness of forgiveness. Show me how to release the suppressed anger and allow myself to have a peace of mind. Forgiveness, meet me in January.

Recovery, meet me in January 

For once and all. Not only from recent wounds where you could still see the leftover bruises and feel the tingling sensation when you slowly brush your finger on it, but also from nearly invisible wounds where there is no feeling of physical pain anymore, yet just one look at it can recall a wrenching pain of heartache. Let my drenched face of tears dry up during the golden hour and allow my body to take as much rest as it needs to fight another day. Remind me that body and mind is not separated and is always affecting each other – both negative and positive. Once damaged may not be possible anymore to return to the original state. Don’t fear, because recovery helps us to adapt to damage and helps us to build a resilient stance. You only get stronger if you bite through the pain, but without recovery, you will never be able to develop any muscle mass. Recovery, meet me in January.

New challenges, meet me in January

Challenges that once again broaden up my horizon of the human experience and the world in general. Challenges that allow me to strip away another layer of insecurity to grow into my potential. Challenges that make me uncomfortable and excited at the same time. Challenges that make me grateful because it makes me feel alive. I’m ready for whatever may come and will wear my battle shield proudly against my heart, to protect whenever it is needed and expose it whenever it’s heart over mind. To be vulnerable yet cautious of oneself. New challenges, meet me in January.

Faith, meet me in January 

Precisely, faith in humankind again. Faith in people like you and me. People need people to survive. Period. Isolating oneself and staying inside our bubble to prevent anyone to hurt us works counterproductive, the only person we are hurting is ourselves by doing that exactly. If we never expose ourselves to unknown risks, we will never able to build a strong resistance. On the other hand, we become so weak on our feet that a single touch can make us fall over like dominoes. Learn to trust with open eyes again. Withdraw if you must. But keep trying. Keep trying until you can trust with your eyes closed – only following your open-minded heart. Faith, meet me in January.

Self-expression, meet me in January

To express is to stay sane. That’s where creativity comes into the picture as well. Open your eyes, the possibilities are endless and unimaginable. Take the time to find the right kind of hobby for yourself in which you can express without limits. Don’t confuse a hobby with an activity that lacks a certain amount of effort and the possibility to polish your skills, think of consuming activities like watching television or shopping. Anyone can self-express, therefore create. Find your craft, become obsessed with it and inspire others with your infectious creativity, helping others along the way to stay sane, helping ourselves and others to keep our mental health balanced and happily smiling from within. Self-expression, meet me in January.

2018, I am tremendously thankful for you. 

New chapter, meet me in January.

From the girl who rambles through life 

The time has come for opening new doors

You suddenly came back into my life like you have never gone away. Seeing you back felt like going back in time when I was still a naïve teenager. We were inseparable and always together. You helped me to go out my shell and be comfortable with myself. For bystanders, we seemed like such an odd match, totally different from each other, yet we knew deep down we were so alike. We ignored the noises from others and didn’t care how they viewed us or when they talked about our weird connection.

To be honest, you were my only friend where I could show my truest self.

People came and went but I was never able to weigh down my walls and show them the real me. I could never feel the same way with new developed friends even though I got more confident each passing year.

We crossed each others path when we were only teenagers trying to survive in our own ways. The beauty of our friendship was that we always got each other back – no matter how tough the situation has gotten.

So, when you disappeared from the face of the Earth, my world went down with it.

Soon, I got back on track and entered into adulthood without you by my side – no matter how desperately I wished that you could be part of it – I forced myself to move on. I managed to turn our shortlived but impactful friendship into a memory that holds a special place in my heart.

Never would I dare to think that you would appear in my life after almost a decade has passed by.

Before I realized, my memory of our friendship took shape into the form of reality.

It felt surreal at first as if I was dreaming about the past. But the dream kept going on and each time I saw you, the more it became real to me.

Here I was thinking that I would close off 2018 without encounter sudden changes at the near end of the year, but you came like a surprise and ended up being one of my highlights of this year. It was a closed door for almost a decade that has been forgotten from time to time. A door that was so hidden that I wasn’t able to find it. An untouched door that got so dusty that it blended in with all the other things that I stopped spending my time and energy to. But the time has come.

The time has come for opening new doors.

From the girl who rambles through life 

4 Little Ways To Cope On A Bad Anxiety Day

Days can feel like years when we can’t seem to move with ease. Walking around with a lump of overwhelming emotions is as motioning through life beyond the force of gravity. It will drag us down into the darkness of the underground. Those days are hard. It feels like we can’t seem to escape the fear within us. Fortunately, our anxiety doesn’t define us. It’s only an overpowering glitch in our daily lives that we need to find ways to cope in order to stay sane. What works for me, may not work for you, but let me give it a shot by sharing my ways of coping on a bad anxiety day.

Give aromatherapy a try

The right kind of aroma works healing in a way that it calms you down and reduces stress and fatigue, thus in the end, boosting your overall mood. Tip: purchase an aroma humidifier to use at home or even at work (if you have an office job) to get a daily mini aromatherapy to unwind yourselves. There are tons of aroma oils available, so just choose any scent of aroma oil that you like. Start afresh in the morning or let the aura of relaxing scent rocking you to falling in a deep sleep if you have troubles with sleeping.

Immerse yourself in a book, movie or game

Distance yourself from the chaos of your mind and give it a break by immersing into another world. How? By shifting the focus from yourself to another persona that’s not you, even if it’s just for a little while. There are some active and less active ways to immerse. The least active way is to watch a movie. Important here is to focus on how the character develops while the story little by little will unfold towards the end of the story. This will help you to see that ups and downs are essential to growing in life and that you are not alone in this. Even if it’s a movie, there are always some realistic aspects that you can take from it.

Do you have some energy left? Grab a book and color the world of the story. Let yourself carry away into another dimension where you hold in your breath as the story gets more complex as you read away the black on white. Without much thinking about it, you will develop emotions towards the persona in the book, which can declutter your anxiety for the time being because of the fact that you are concerned with someone else.

Last but not at least, take the lead from a different perspective in a game. Boost your confidence by unlocking each level to advance to another challenge.

Bake, bake and bake

There is something magical behind the art of baking, almost therapeutic in a way. Unlike cooking in general, baking requires more than combining some ingredients together in the hope it will turn out delicious. Just pick any recipe you like on the internet or from a cookbook that you already have, clear the kitchen station and get all your ingredients and baking tools ready. Start from scratch, watch how a block of cream cheese gets smooth out by eggs with the right amount of swirls of the mixer. A sniff of salt here and a tablespoon of sugar there; baking is strictly following a formula that is still able to awake your sense of wonder and give you a feeling of fulfillment after you take out your own freshly baked creation out of the piping hot oven.

Take regular walks in nature

In the end, all we need is already provided for us for free to cope or heal. If you live in a big city, go to the nearest park and leave your smartphone either at home or in your bag. Look at the lush greenery around you and really take in what you see. On less cold days, bring a rug with you and choose a spot to lay down on. Sit against a tree, take out your sketchbook and let your imagination run wild as you get inspired by the environment. Taking regular walks in nature also helps to get enough Vitamin D if you are feeling gloomy and dull by sitting inside at home. The best timing to go around the block is after dinner time because of the tiredness that suddenly hits you after eating. Instead of letting your body and mind crash into hibernation far before your regular sleeping routine, go out to let it slap you awake and to process the food well by keep moving instead of sleeping right away.

From the girl who rambles through life 

 

 

I don’t want a forever person, I want a forever passion

I don’t want someone who only sticks around just because we happen to be together for a long period of time. I don’t need a person who stays with me for their own fear of loneliness. If you only stay with me to get labeled as the ”forever person”, then please, the door is over there – help yourselves.

I won’t play along when there is nothing else left for us to continue just to look good together in public while being pointed at and seen as the definition of ”relationship goals”. I don’t want a forever person just for the sake that we have been together what feels like forever.

It’s about what keeps us driving and what keep us moving closer to each other, that’s all that matters in the end. I want to experience passion in all its forms. Not only the typical passion as we know where the sparks are flying off. That type of passion that you see in movies and hear in songs.

No, I want a forever passion that keeps us warm and comfortable.

I want the passion that connects us without constantly needing to know where we stand and wondering if there are any future possibilities.

I don’t need to feel at my highest if I know I will crash down even stronger on my knees moments later because of the instability.

I want a forever passion that embraces me even if I’m not at my most lovable. One that I didn’t have to feel afraid that the fire might go out anytime soon when I’m not paying enough attention to it. Instead of causing butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I look for peace in my mind while my heart will smile brightly when I’m around you.

I don’t want a forever person, I want a forever passion

I want a forever passion that radiates through us, in our actions and how we accidentally caught each other’s glances across the room full of other people. You will see it in our quiet moments and the way we search for each other’s hands when we are sleeping next to each other.

I don’t want a forever person, I want a forever passion

Forever accompanying me, not only in glamorous times but as much as in times of darkness and hopelessness. I don’t need the over the top passion where we spend our days away in bed making love but have nothing to say to each other. Passion is not only built during night outs and perfect lightning that makes our features stand out to make us swoon over each other.

It’s in the small and subtle gestures that are easily overlooked if we take each other for granted.

It’s in the daily things that we do for each other. It’s peeling layers of defense mechanisms that was supposed to protect us to show our authentic self and accepting each other nonetheless.

I don’t want a forever person, I want a forever passion.

From the girl who rambles through life 

How to have more meaningful conversations

A good conversation will leave you craving for more. It will keep you satisfied even after the conversation is over. It will make you sit down and let it all sink in before you occupy your mind with practical issues again. A nourishing detox from small talk, as if you are feeding your brain a delicious, yet nutritious meal after having a ridiculously amount of junk food. Having a regular conversation is not particularly difficult, but having a meaningful one? That’s a special skill on its own.

It is especially a tough challenge that you are up against when you are normally not used to having such conversations. 

What if it’s something that you lack having with the people around you when it’s precisely one of those things that surely will bring you closer to each other? If you happen to be the one having trouble initiating one – no matter who your conversation partner is – then it can say a lot about your own behavior according in-depth perspectives and what you are used to talking about. In such cases, you already are steps ahead for improvement when you are aware of it. It all starts with awareness towards yourself. If you are able to recognize recurring patterns within your own behavior, then you are surely able to work on your conversational skills as well.

An in-depth conversation requires more than one person to make a success out of it. It helps to bring the conversation to the right direction by staying open-minded towards the one who you are talking with. Sometimes it’s even easier to have a serious talk with a total stranger than with those who are the closest to us because of the fact that we meanwhile unconsciously have developed a way how we communicate with those we are comfortable with. If that way of communication doesn’t involve bonding by having meaningful interactions, it can badly affect the whole relationship in the long term.

Why do some people shrug by the idea of meaningful or deep conversations? Because of the image of pretentiousness that it is giving off, but mostly it’s because it is uncomfortable. Of course it is quite uncomfortable to express about what makes your heart beats faster or what keep you awake during nights. Sure, I get that if people get thrown off by the idea to be transparent. It is scary and not the most pleasant thing to do. But if we only beat around the bush with the people that we claim to care about, then how are we supposed to really care about and for them if we don’t even touch the territories that will put us equally vulnerable towards each other, thus increasing our chances to grow towards each other.

So, the question that comes with that, is: then, how to have more meaningful conversations? 

How to stimulate to take each other seriously at moments instead of always joking around when it’s not the right time to play the clown? One thing is sure, it doesn’t happen overnight and it’s a constant process of reflecting and adapting to work on being a conversationalist who can both speak with consciousness and listen with care. What if you already excel in it but your partner isn’t?

Then, it’s up to you to ask the right questions. Don’t underestimate the power behind the right kind of questions. It can unscrew our minds and open an untouched part within us. 

Don’t expect to have the same results when you execute with the same actions over and over again. Place yourself with your partner in a new setting when attempting to change the tone of the conversation.

The environment in which we carry out ourselves does influence the things we speak about.

Do you want more high-stimulating thinking conversations but fail to do so? Double check whether you should move the conversation to another place instead of staying comfortable inside your own bubble. Inside our bubbles, we act out mostly on automatic pilot and won’t randomly hold a mirror in front of ourselves to keep an eye on our actions. However, if we throw ourselves in the rabbit hole to confront the lack of meaning behind our conversations, we are exposed and out of the public. We would walk around with mirrors pasted against our faces to be aware of ourselves and our surroundings and act with caution by thinking long and hard enough before we even speak.

Again, we can’t move closer to each other when we don’t allow ourselves to speak about things that matter to us personally.

Clear out some idle chatter if you must.

And start a dialogue.

From the girl who rambles through life 

 

 

In 2019, be your own best friend

People rushing in and out the entrance. The sounds of muffled voices and jazz music playing in the background. She was sitting in the middle of the hallway where space was narrow that she needed to move up every time someone tried to pass by. Patiently waiting for her friends to arrive, she felt her heart beat faster as time was passing by. It was the night of her graduation and she barely could hold in her excitement. Not long after, they came through the door and exchanged smooches with each other.
”Cheers!” as three cocktail glasses made a symphony. After congratulating her, they plopped down in the corner seat and took their phones out and started to text rapidly. As the night went on, they made more eye contact with their screens than to each other.

That same night, she broke down in tears the minute when she got home. This night meant so much to her. Not only because of her graduation but to prove herself wrong that her friends didn’t care about her at all. Gradually, she started to recognize a pattern in the way how they interact with each other. This was not the first time that she was doubting about her friendship. In times when they need someone to listen to their problems, she laid her ears out without hesitation and think carefully before she blurted out some insensitive words. Sadly, when it’s her turn to open her heart to them, they only listen to answer, not to understand. Impatiently waiting for their turn, they always talk about themselves and leave no room to actually hold a meaningful conversation and take the friendship to the next level.

This night was the last drop that finally has hit her awake. She promised from that night on that she would take care of herself first instead of always making sure that everyone is satisfied and content. 

Covered in cold sweat, she woke up with a throbbing headache and an immense craving for water. Everything was slowing coming back to her from yesterday; New Year’s Eve, the last day of 2019. Somehow she felt a strange feeling waking up as if she was reliving the past for a moment or so. She quickly shrugged off that feeling and arose from bed and went out for a morning walk.

Inhaling the fresh air and feeling the crisped leaves under her footsteps, she looked up to the clear sky and felt her heart was smiling. Walking past a small river, she sat down on a bench and took out her book to read. A crumpled small piece of paper fell out of her pocket. She carefully unfolds the paper without breaking it, and by the look of the words – she immediately recognized her handwriting in which it said with curly letters:

In 2019, be your own best friend. 

Looking straight into the very first day of 2020, she smiled at the paper and said softly to herself: ”I sure was and will always be.” 

From the girl who rambles through life 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you

Thank you. 

Lately, I have been saying these two simple words to lots of people, but I still feel like it isn’t enough to show my gratitude to those who have reached out to me via my writings. Why do I make such a big deal out of it and write a whole blog post about it?

Because you have acknowledged me without me seeking for it. 

Yes, acknowledgment. Something that was always on the top of my wishlist, any day of the year. Something that I have been craving for all my life. Something that I have been trying to get from too many people around me: my parents, my peers, my boyfriend and anyone I looked up to.

It was never enough as if I was high on drugs and couldn’t withdraw myself from it.

So, I stopped hoping for validation from others because it came from a self-serving desire that spiraled down into self-destruction. I only wanted to hear praise so I could feed my bottomless ego and convince myself that I wasn’t a good-for-nothing daughter, friend, and girlfriend. Running around in circles to try to please everyone and keep everyone satisfied, I have neglected myself to the point that I ran wherever I sense I could get some acknowledgment, turning me so dizzy that I lost direction of where to go or stand.

Only when I started to work on myself without thinking about how others would view me, the rest followed naturally. I started to work on my craft as a writer and just like a broken faucet, my thoughts kept streaming out. Sometimes ice cold thoughts where I would let the coldness of my rants cut through the paper, sometimes lukewarm thoughts where my fuzzy love stories lead to a lot of ”awws” responses and sometimes scorching hot thoughts where my lack of sugar-coated opinions would make others uncomfortable or even offended. Those thoughts where others would first observe carefully before diving into the intimidating heat.

It was precisely those moments when I was too busy working on myself and didn’t pay attention to other people, that I could let go of my desire to fit in or to be liked by others. When I started to write like a maniac, I found out about the roots of my behavior and my unhealthy desires and expectations of others.

As I slowly was increasing my word count thought by thought, I started to learn the importance of knowing oneself and the authenticity behind it.

And not only did I agree on that, but many agreed upon it too by reaching out to me. Not only did they voluntarily read my writings without me asking for it, but they also understood what I’m trying to say. They understood my messages that I wanted to share with the rest of the world.

You have acknowledged me in the purest form by reading my thoughts and actually understanding it.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

Thank you for reaching out to me.

Thank you for letting me know that you understood what I’m trying to express on paper.

It means the world to me.

From the girl who rambles through life 

 

All the flavors of the taste palate

A glistening surface reflected just above the piping hot ramen. It almost looked too fine to eat it. He looked at it and as soon the trail of scent floated inside his nostrils, his aura began to slowly cover his whole presence. After the first bite, his pupils seemed to appear bigger and his mouth angles slightly have moved up. When he looked up to me with that satisfying grin on his face, I couldn’t help but smile too. As we continued eating in silence, you could hear his loud slurping and traditional Japanese music playing softly in the background. A soothing state of coziness.

”I can’t believe this is what we are eating for breakfast,” I said with my mouth full. He nodded with the same satisfying grin on his face. We were the only one sitting right behind the counter where the chefs were working, hurriedly moving from left to right and yelling foreign words to each other. The walls were covered with hand-drawed paintings and the menus were also handwritten with black ink with a drawing right next to the description of a dish. The informal setting will make you feel at ease right away and you would found yourself exploring every side of the izakaya by looking around excessively under the dimmed light.

On the other side of the world, we were having authentic Japanese ramen as breakfast – yet it feels like we have been here for a long time already. Food tends to do that to people. Like a magnet, it has the ability to connect even if there is a barrier. Food can bring even strangers together for the time being and unravel stories of each other, making it into a stepping stone to better understanding between people.

”I liked to have a restaurant around this size in the future.” as he looked around him and nodded in himself. ”I don’t need much, as long people enjoy my food.”

As he kept talking about the food and why it is that makes it so delicious – I found myself in awe listening to him. His passion for food and cooking was so contagious that I got suck into his world, into his mind and heart – what makes him tick:

To taste every possible flavor of the taste palate and share that with the rest of the world.

From the girl who rambles through life