Oh Mother Nature, show us our true colors

Raindrops ticking rapidly on the windows. Pebbles forming on the streets while the sunlight is hiding behind an enormous cloud. Footsteps increasing with every drop. The sound of rain hitting the soil with the thunder above the impatience.

”Why is it raining?” a child asks her mother.
”Because it is testing our patience.”
The child never understood what she meant until the day she did.

She looked up and a drop of water touched her face. Countless people hurried their paces and opened their umbrellas together with their complaints. Worrying lines appeared on blank canvases and she can feel the impatience in the air.

The next day, the sun has chased away the grimness and is dominating the sky. Vivid blue with specks of white dots. How funny that the same people who walked down the streets on their way to work can appear so different in a brighter light. Mouth angles on perfect angles as if it’s created by a swing that goes back and forth.

A person doesn’t show their true colors when all circumstances are aligned towards them. A person shows their true colors, whether they like it or not when all circumstances are indeed not aligned towards them.

Little Miss Sunshine can suddenly turn into Miss Thunderstorm when things don’t go her way.

~ Oh Mother Nature, show us our true colors.
~ Oh Mother Nature, reveal the true light of all of us.

Trees keep being cut down.
Forests lit up into a gigantic fireplace.
Oceans poisoned by ignorant habits.
Less and less green reflected on our eyes.
We deceived ourselves by thinking that we have the upper hand but
we don’t even realize that we are the puppets for the consequences of our own actions.

The sky turned grey again and all of a sudden, she felt the same strain of impatience slowly closing in her. She felt suffocated, not because of the air – but those who inhaled impatience and exhaled negative energy.

Like second handed smoking. And guess what? She has never liked smoking.

From the girl who rambles through life. 

Mix your own shade of color that suits you

Energy. It flows through all of us.

Everywhere we go, we take in energy. Everyone we encounter, we exchange energy, no matter how brief; we overlap each other with the energy we put out into the world.
Just like colors from a spectrum, there is an infinite of energy running endlessly through the universe. We tend to lean towards energy that is categorized in the positive area, or to sketch it in a color; green, because the perfect tint of green is calm, restorative and abundant. But there is no such thing as perfection as we know it. We all know there are three primary colors: red, blue and yellow. Without these colors, there is no possible way to create the color green to begin with. In other words; positive energy isn’t something that stands by itself. It is mostly mixed with other substances to keep it balanced.

Each passing hour of a day, different shades of light and colour reflect on our eyes. Not a moment is the same. Just like our energy and the energy surrounding us.

Exposing ourselves to different shades of colors of a spectrum let us experience a wide range of emotions.

Let’s say, when you expose yourself to  energy of passion, the perfect tint of red, your own aura will get affected too; when you go overboard with passion, you may get too impulsive and out of touch with the outside world. When you don’t allow yourself to overlap with even a hint of passion, you lack of fuel and motivation to get going.
Another example, when you expose yourself to compassionate energy, the perfect tint of blue, it can turns our own core in a different shade as well. When we go overboard, we may neglect ourselves and forget that we also need to think about ourselves. If we are too self-centered, we may lose people around us for we only think about ourselves.
And then you have the last primary colour, the perfect tint of yellow, which mostly indicates joy. When it dominates through your core, it can shows sides of cowardice for you only allow yourself to feel joy. When it has a limited space in your colour palette, you overcomplicates everything to the point that you can’t seem to find the joy in daily life.

We are all made of different shades of colors, ever changing like the seasons.

However, every core of a person won’t change that easily.
I would take myself as an example. The energy I have surrounding myself is mostly yellow, which means my deepest need is to be able to express my individuality by using my mind to inspire and create new ideas. My greatest asset is that I am creative, often being the one who comes up with new ideas but at the same time can’t bring it out into reality for my head is always somewhere in the clouds, daydreaming into a different reality. I am too impulsive and make quick decisions out of anxiety.

Mix your own shade of colour that suits you.

I would never be a blue or red colour for this matter, but I can mix shades of this colors to bring the best out of myself. To expose myself with different kind of energy and make it into my own personal experiment. To make it work for yourself without losing yourself. To be content with the shade of your reflection but never too proud to try mixing another color with it. To surround yourself with different kind of people to get familiar with all colors of a spectrum. And by doing so, overlapping your own energy with others to create a color that no one else has;

Your own unique blended shade.

From the girl who rambles through life

To My Younger Self

Hey you, how is it going? I know you had a rough day, so let me tell you something to cheer you up.

It’s hard isn’t it? Every day you are trying your best to fit in, but somehow you feel like other people blend in so well that you feel more invisible each passing day. It’s not fair isn’t? Other’s from your primary school got in the high school they wanted to go, and you just got stuck with this one because your grades aren’t high enough to be able to have more choices. Still, you held your head high and entered the gate of a new beginning without anyone besides you. Your dad waited outside the gate to see you go inside and somehow it gave you more strength.

You got your hopes up and tried to make friends but it wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t your type of people but you didn’t know that at that time. The only thing you wanted was to be accepted and be surrounded by new friends. Instead, you got surrounded by piles of homework and you started to build a wall around you to keep yourself safe and sound because you noticed that people can get really, really mean. You didn’t get it, didn’t you? Why can’t everyone treat each other nice, that’s what you thought, right? Trust me, that’s what I’m still thinking sometimes. I guess you haven’t changed that much. But still, you did change. In a good way that is. Let me tell you, those rough days at school will be over eventually, and you even made some friends at school over the years.

You have changed for the better.

You have changed into a strong individual who has her heart in the right place. You helped a lot of people by listening to them when no one else did. You pursued true love by going after the love of your life and making the first move. You got your hard earned degree even though you wanted to give up. You have let go of so many toxic people even though you used to feel so alone during high school. You did things you never ever dared to even think about. You, the one who used to be so shy and scared all the time, went abroad for a couple of months. All by yourself. For a long time, you didn’t like the reflection in the mirror. Trust me, cross that thought away as well, it will be gone eventually. Not convinced yet? You worked hard at several jobs even though people treated you badly. You moved on and became stronger again. You have never given up.

Life kept throwing shit at you.

You got hit thousand times but you always tried to recover from it. Some wounds are completely healed while others have left a permanent scar on your skin. But it doesn’t hurt anymore, that’s what matters. It’s a reminder for yourself that whatever will happen in the future, that you need to keep going because beautiful things will happen along the way. People will love you the way you are. Your wish came true. You have your family that you can’t live without and your best buddy that you wanted to marry from the first day you laid eyes on him. Most importantly, you have yourself. It took a very long time to appreciate your own company but trust me, you will love it. Once you got to that point, you will take yourself out doing things you usually won’t do by yourself. You will start to enjoy eating out alone, going to the movies or just walking around. You will get to know yourself so much that you became your own friend instead.

It’s ironic, isn’t it?

You wanted people around you so badly, but you ended up being completely content by yourself.

Believe it or not, but you finally have put yourself first above anything else. And since then, things started to make sense.

Much love,
Your ten years older self

From the girl who rambles through life 

It’s a writer thing

It’s a day full of love and gratitude and it happens to be Valentine’s Day as well. My day can’t get any better!

As soon as I woke up, I saw two new emails coming in my inbox. Barely awake, I opened one and saw that my second submission got through which meant that I got published two times in a row! It felt unreal still to this point because I didn’t expect it will get through it. Before this, I also got published two times so I got a bit too optimistic each time I sent a new piece to the editors. However, to my disappointment, all of the pieces I have sent in that time got rejected. I began to believe that I just got lucky and didn’t really have what it takes to be a writer, let alone be a good one. After those rejections, my submissions started to decrease and I also started to write less and less. It also has to do with the fact that my source of inspiration was not as full as it used to be. The feeling of rejectment got to me and I lost a part of the confidence which I had built over the course of my writing journey.

I began to define my writings to the number of times of my rejected pieces. It is silly, I know. But when your judgment is clouded due to negativity and self-doubt, it is hard to take a step back and view your own work as objectively as much as possible. When a piece got rejected, I immediately would think it happened because it wasn’t good at all. I then would eliminate my piece entirely and would even start to dislike it, even though I liked it at first.

There are countless of reasons why my submissions didn’t go through. At first, I only thought of the overall quality. However, it can also get rejected by things I haven’t concentrate on. I am talking about the forgotten details, like grammar, sentence structure, spelling etc. So far, I made sure I always voice a message with my own voice, but it’s safe to think now that I shouldn’t neglect the other practical aspects which also belongs to the writing process. I guess I am the kind of writer that only writes from the heart and forget the essential parts that can take my writing to the next level and turn it into the work that I will stay proud of, no matter if it gets rejected or not.

Writing is a constant learning process.

It’s a constant fight between your mind and heart. I am still rooting for my heart, but I guess I should give my mind also a space to participate in this beautiful, frustrating and ‘’hours of staring at the laptop’’ process.

I guess it’s a writer thing.

From the girl who rambles through life 

 

 

 

From an introvert to an extrovert

That feeling when you get home after you have socialized for a whole day. When you finally can take off those jeans and wear those comfy sweats again. That feeling when you wipe off all those make-up that has to sit on your face for ten hours and see your natural face appears ten years younger than your current age again. Ah, that feeling.

Socializing is draining. It sucks the hell out of my energy, seriously.

One of my obstacles in life is still times when I have to meet new people, like when I get a new job or when I get invited over birthday parties where I only know the birthday girl/boy. Okay, I get it, I need to work with these people so I need to ‘’talk’’ to them, but SUP with all that small talk you are spilling on me? Small talk is a great tool to break the ice when meeting new people, but once you get over that, just stop (small) talking. Please? Don’t get me wrong, I love to talk. Once I get in synch with the right kind of people, I won’t even shut up. It’s about genuine interaction and the ability to really listen to each other.

When I appear shy when in reality I’m just really bored and don’t have the energy to pretend I enjoy the company I am in that moment. In fact, these days, I enjoy my own company a lot more than I’m accompanied by the average human. Of course, dogs always gain my full sincere attention, no questioning about that for sure! That goes along with all my close friends and family, but other than that, you can pretty much say I’m too arrogant to even want to waste my time to develop another meaningless relationship. My time has become my precious gift and I’m no longer spill it around to give it away to random people. Sorry, not sorry.

Some people just get more energized when they surround themselves with people, but for me, it is the opposite. I NEED my alone-time to recharge and reflect on my own thoughts. It is essential, like when you NEED to do something with people during the weekend. Just a different angle, no need to look weird at me when I say that I prefer to stay in on a Friday night than to hang out at a club.

As someone who doesn’t have a loud voice and appears innocent and is also an introvert, it is hard sometimes. Especially at work. I always think twice before I state ideas because I don’t want to spill any empty words. But the only thing they see is nothing, because of the fact that nothing comes out my mouth. I have always been too passive according to them, while they need me to take initiative. I observe carefully first before I take action, but the only thing they see is the action that may or may not have been proceeding smoothly. All complaints aside, it is known that society favors the characteristics of an extrovert. Don’t get me wrong, We need that kind of characteristics in all sorts of roles, but let’s not forget that most introverts are often the ones who create and do a lot of work ‘’behind the scenes.’’

I don’t mean it as a disadvantage of my personality when I call myself an introvert. In fact, I’m glad to be one because I don’t need to only rely on external circumstances to be able to entertain myself. I used to do that a lot where I would end up drained and exhausted by the end of the day – not knowing what the cause was. Surrounded by toxic so-called friends where everyone just wants to hear themselves talk does a great part of it, believe me, I know.

So from an introvert to an extrovert, don’t pity us for how we are. Don’t ask us why we are SO quiet in a room full of people we don’t know. It’s kinda rude. And certainly, don’t ask why we are not having fun when we are not drinking when we are in the same bar. I am having fun,  but maybe not the kind of fun you are used to with.

From the girl who rambles through life 

You don’t have to always finish what you have started

It’s in my nature to seek for discoveries and adventures, even though I love to be able to stay inside for a while and be a couch potato, wrapped myself tightly in a blanket with zero social encounters whatsoever and entertain myself with my own company. I often go from one extreme to another and struggle to find balance within the spectrum of going outside and do stuff or just stay inside and enjoy myself.

It has its odds for I go all-in when I discover something new to work on or when I come up with a new idea in my mind. I would get unstoppable and motivated that I would slowly suffer from a lack of vitamin D for all the nonexistent times I went out for a stroll and decided to work on whatever I needed to work on that required me to stay inside. Ah well, it wouldn’t make a big difference, to begin with for my country favors drizzly rain with a side of wind that would slap you awake from your cozy daydream. On the other hand, I risked to get sunburnt or undercooled for that time when my body won over my mind and felt like jogging nonstop for a couple of months, for almost every day within that time frame. What was I thinking?

Unfortunately, I don’t always finish everything I have started.

Who am I kidding? I can say with certainty that I almost never finish something I have started.

I know, bad habit.

But it can also be a good thing. When I think about stuff I used to do but no longer do, it mostly consists of exercising in general or things I ONLY did to help or to please someone to an extent that I do not enjoy myself any longer.

Let’s ignore that exercising part for now because I’m not your typical Instagram fit girl. So just forgive me for now.

Let’s instead zoom into the things I mainly did for the sake of other people. A small selection of it: listening to other’s problems and thoughtfully thinking of what to say back, even though the counterparty only waited for me to finish my story, just to reply and shift the direction of the conversation on themselves again; lightening up the atmosphere within my previous group of friends to make sure everyone is still happy and sound, even though I may have a shitty day myself; shutting my mouth during a confrontation to avoid any potential drama just to feel tiny and useless afterwards.

In this case, I’m glad I stopped doing what I did for years. There is no one to blame and I shouldn’t either because, in the end, it’s all down on me. But that’s also the beauty of it;

I am the one who started it, so it would only be natural when I’m the one who stops it

And that’s exactly what I have been doing the past couple of years; healing and rising again from those losses by writing, traveling, genuine voices, helping without neglecting myself, comfort food, listening ears and making my (inner) voice stronger to voice my opinions and stand up for myself when it is needed.

I’m not stopping yet, and I have a feeling this will never ever end for my sake. Sometimes it’s a good thing when you haven’t finished what you started. Sometimes, you should stop what you’re doing, take a step back and start doing things and meeting other people which are healthy for yourself.

Because being mentally healthy is just as important as being physically healthy. 

Okay, let me resume my exercises again. Will you excuse me? 

From the girl who rambles through life 

The most wonderful time of the year

As soon as I opened the door, I got covered by the scent around me as a warm blanket. Everyone was running around from the kitchen to the living room. They went in barehanded where all the magic happened and came out with a big smile on their faces with a heavenly looking dish rested on their hands. When the sun has clocked out for the day, it was time for the decorations lights to shine. And shining they did! It was by then nearly six o’clock and our growling stomachs filled the room as a badly composed choir.

How a well chosen table cloth can transform an ordinary cheap looking dinner table into the exquisite buffet stand it should be. Every corner of the house has been sugar-coated with a festive hint. Stockings dangling happily above the hearth, the same old wreath hanging outside the door and the Christmas lights lighting up in the dark. A pity that the house didn’t appear even slightly near as a gingerbread house. Well, we cannot ask for everything as it seemed, not even during the holidays! Instead, we should do the other way around more often; giving without asking.

However, tonight isn’t about giving nor asking at all. Tonight stands for a battle. More precisely; the battle of the fittest. The clock hand pointed at seven o’clock and all of us searched for the right nameplate and quickly took our seats. By then, you could feel the tense atmosphere around us, but everyone tried their best hiding it. It was almost time to start when the host poured our glasses with bubbles. Almost time. We raised and toasted and all of our glasses together made a symphony sound. It was time. Time to battle.

The first round consists of a mix of appetizers and first course dishes, such as shrimp cocktails, baby artichokes, caramelized onion and goat cheese tarts and other savory bites. I got a good head start and soon headed to the second round.

My eyes widened open when I saw what was on the menu of the second round. There were many options to choose from; sage and brown butter turkey, honey roasted pork loin, molasses-glazed ham steak, roast beef, pistachio & cranberry pork pie and pumpkin stuffed with everything good. During this stage, some participants already have given up. Lucky for me! I watched their defeats as they go and threw another piece of pork pie on my plate before I proceeded to go on the last round.

Finally, the last round was here. I saw gingerbread cupcakes with cheesecake frostings passing by, white chocolate chip cookies with raspberries, old-fashioned apple pies, fig holiday rolls, fruit tarts and black forest Pavlova. I finally understood what they mean by edible art. When I looked up from my plate, everyone else were sitting on the sofa. Which only can mean one thing; I won! 

Mmmm, the last round did taste like a sweet victory.
It is indeed the most wonderful time of the year.

Happy Holidays everyone!

From the girl who rambles through life 

 

 

In pursuit of collecting stories

When I think about collecting, I automatically think about those diehard collectors. I know a few of them myself, they are quite consistent with their collections and will not stop until it is completed. It could be anything; shoes, puzzles, postage stamps, tattoos, make-up. You name it and there is probably someone in the world who collects it. I don’t see myself as a collector in this sense because it hasn’t allured me to the point where I would start my own collection.

There just hasn’t been a material product so far which has kept my attention occupied for long enough to even consider collecting it. I’m quite practical when it comes to these things because I just don’t see the point of completing a collection except for feeling a brief moment of euphoria. I do see the point of collecting when you are able to add value to it and make something more out of it. Collecting for the sake of collecting is just not for me.

That’s why I’m in pursuit of collecting stories.

And how do I go about that exactly? Simple, through exploration. Exploration in the form of reading, conversation, travel, self-reflection and mindfulness.

By reading books you enter a world full of knowledge, opinions, experiences, history, imagination, and expertise.

You begin to see hidden messages some authors try to send out through their written words. You begin to see that opinions have more effect when based on proven knowledge and that history teaches us that there’s more than one truth or one side to a story. And not just two, but countless of voices; from loud ones bellowed by those in charge to soft whispers uttered by those who aren’t allowed to have a voice at that time. It’s up to you to unravel these voices and to find the middle ground because we will never find out exactly what happened in the past. Through fiction you find out that imagination doesn’t have a limit and that each of us is born with the gift to create. Yes, we are born that way; creative and imaginative. It just depends on how well we maintain our creativity.

By conversation, you get in touch with people. Each of us has a different story to tell and a different view towards the world to share, which means we can learn from each other by exchanging our words.

It is similar when it comes to traveling. Traveling helps us to broaden our horizon and to experience a sense of wonder, around ourselves and the world we live in. It’s through this sense of wonder that we begin to question everything around us, including ourselves. In other words; self-reflection.

Through self-reflection we explore stories about ourselves. The stories which have shaped us into the person we are today.

We also explore the reasons behind our behavior and emotions and that anything, no matter how small or insignificant, has intertwined with us. And so, we become more mindful of our behavior in order to carry out more positive actions. Therefore it’s also important to be mindful of others.

Mindfulness allows us to view things as they truly are, nothing more and nothing less. We allow ourselves to experience life without distractions or negative thoughts. And by doing so we are able to see things which seemed so simple at first by having a greater appreciation for them from that point on.

I’m in pursuit of collecting stories so that I may share them with others by writing about them.

And I have a pretty good feeling that I’m on the right track. The fun thing about collecting stories is that my collection will never be completed and the best part is that, once I start to share them, it’s no longer just my collection. Like this post of mine.

From the girl who rambles through life

Wake me up when October ends

The crisped leaves creaked when I stepped on them on my way home. I looked down and a colourful palette consisting of brown, red, yellow and orange appeared before my eyes. The breeze was cold enough to wake me up for a bit, but not enough to make me shiver.

You could smell the autumn in the air while you yearn for long walks in the forest, alone or accompanied by a friend. The rustling leaves playing like music in the background while you wander through this maze of nature. Collecting leaves of different shades and sizes along the way and using them as bookmarks when you sit besides the window with your must-reads and a fresh cup of tea.

If I had to describe my personality as a season or a month, I would definitely say I’m either an autumn or an October person. I think it has something to do with the fact that my birthday happens to be in October as well. I make other people feel comfortable around me with ease but there are a lot of different sides to me, just like there are colours among the autumnleaves. And I’m pretty much destined to get dressed up each year for Halloween, which is on my birthday! Now that, is a real luxury problem if you ask me!

October is a comforting hazy daydream.

Every day is a feast in casa Kim for my nose is filled with the smell of homemade pumpkin soup, hearty quiches and other delicious comfort food. Getting creative with carving out the leftover pumpkins to try and scare the neighbouring kids.

Wake me up when October ends

In the meantime, let me dream away these last couple of October’s days. It’s always hard to wake up and move on again in order to take on the challenges life sends our way. Sometimes we don’t want to wake up, but we have to.

Therefore

Wake me up when October ends

From the girl who rambles through life

Will you hold my hand in the dark?

I’ve always feared the dark. When I was young, I was too scared to go downstairs to get a cup of water from the kitchen. And when I did, my heart would pump so fast, especially when I accidentally turned my gaze into the direction of the wide window. I would rush up the stairs and jump back in bed, safely covered underneath my sheets.

But lately, I grew to appreciate the absence of light. Without it, I would never been able to see the bright stars shining down upon me during my hiking trip back in Indonesia. Without it, I couldn’t possibly have fallen asleep, especially when my mind refused to shut up while my body begged me to give it a goodnight rest. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to see the glistening moon on a calm day without any clouds in the sky.

Still it’s scary to walk alone in the dark, because we can’t see what’s in front of us, therefore it’s uncertain what will happen. Luckily everything seems to be less scary when I’m accompanied with people around me. The right kind of people.

I’m an odd soul. I love to be alone and do the things which make my heart smile, but every now and then, I need someone to be there for me, especially in darker times. Even though I am less afraid of it than before. I am still hoping, if I fail to find my way out, that there are people out there who will help me.

I just wonder, will you hold my hand in the dark? I don’t need solutions and answers, I just need a reminder every once in a while that it is okay to still feel afraid in the dark, even though I am already a grown-up. When a pat on my shoulder is enough to get me going and show myself again from underneath the blanket.

I just need a hand. A reaching hand.

Will that be you if the time demands it?

Will you hold my hand in the dark?

From the girl who rambles through life