You are screwed when you let life happen to you

Busy, busy, busy. That’s mostly the answer you get when you ask how someone is doing.

”How are you?”

”I’m busy”

It’s true to some extent. We are indeed busy but are we being efficiently busy or just being distracted busy, not exactly knowing why we are doing the things we are doing. Can we say with 100% certainty that we know why we do certain things or do we just let it happen to us because we never really have given some thought about it?

Think about it. Do you get through the day with the same motions as most of the days? Do you recall your days as a giant blur of some kind? It isn’t surprising when you were mouthing yes in your mind. We all have routines that we follow through the day. Some necessary to survive, but most of it is deeply embedded in our system, like washing our face in the morning or dressing up to go out. We do these acts without thinking about it. Which is fine. We don’t have to think about every little thing that requires common sense.

We tend to be more alert when we are exposed to novelty and unfamiliarity because it deviates from our daily routine. During such moments, our mind tends to be more focused and active – we do some inner questioning and stay aware because subconsciously we don’t want it to threaten our safe haven – our routine.

Everyone has a routine but only the distracted ones let it consume themselves. 

It’s the ones who do not know themselves (enough) that have developed a routine that’s solely created by external circumstances and people. You would see a pattern in their behavioral characteristics that doesn’t even make any sense to themselves.

Generally, we sail through the stream of life, not really thinking of standing still to question why we always make a left turn instead of a right one. Never ever question the value of our comrades whom we forgot how long they already are in our space. Never questioning why we are sailing through waves, if what we really desire is actually to lie down on the grass.

If we never take the time to get to know ourselves and ask ourselves what we find important, our approach stays passive and our intentions unclear. We would let our routine speaks for itself for what we stand for instead of taking the torch and shed lights on things and the persons that matters to us.

Our body is ours. Our mind too. We should take ownership of it and not let it waste its potential only for the mere fact that we got distracted for a little while.

A distracted mind, a distracted soul. 

Fortunately, we can shift energy wherever we want – on whoever we want. It might feel strange to do so at first for we usually program ourselves to do the familiar and most comfortable choice. Once you peel off that layer of social awareness and be deadly honest with yourself, you will come to find out that you have revolved your behavior around people, in the worst case, around those that really do not matter one bit. You will found out that certain people are only in your life just out of habit.

Altogether, you will find out that you have voluntarily sat back on your lazy ass and let life happen to you that has spread out in all areas of your life. 

It will continually poison your own authentic self and make you further away from getting to know yourself better. Not only from the surface but deep down that you will get scared of your own deeply buried fears and broken dreams.

If you let relationships just happen to you, you don’t know what you find important in a partner, let alone in yourself. How do you suppose to build a solid bond together when you have no idea what the foundation is of the relationship?

That’s why lots of relationships tend to fail because people claim to want something real when they don’t even make sure or have the guts to find out what’s real about themselves. 

Same goes for friends. If you let random people walk into your life, you don’t learn to set values for a meaningful friendship, let alone when you are with yourself. How do you suppose to grow into your potential when you are that easy giving away your time and energy?

That’s why lots of friendship are just a bunch of people meeting each other on a regular basis because people claim to like the company of that particular person, but really, what they are doing is projecting their own insecurities on the other by spending time with them, to avoid having any time or energy left for themselves. If that happens, they won’t have any idea what to do with their own solitude. 

They won’t have any idea what they stand for by themselves and don’t dare to look in the mirror to witness that they have neglected themselves – mentally & physically.

All in all, you are screwed when you let life happen to you. 

I know we are all so busy, but why don’t you take a second and wonder if you really, really know yourself. And if you know it and take ownership of it, it will automatically show itself in all areas of your life and the soothing aura that radiates throughout your whole body and mind.

From the girl who rambles through life 

 

 

I’m not going to convince you to love me

Our love started unexpectedly and full of impact. We had an instant spark that made our hormones go all over the place. I was crazy about you and you were all I was thinking about. Literally. I neglected myself by adjusting my schedule around yours so I could spend more time with you. I would feel restless when you didn’t give me attention and I would doubt myself when you forgot to kiss me goodbye. You have no idea how much it has affected the way I viewed myself.

Anything you did or didn’t do made me doubt myself.
I was so infatuated that I couldn’t think straight anymore and my fear of losing you grew stronger each passing day. I saw myself slowly changing to someone I no longer recognized nor respected. I became this controlling and possessive freak that did everything to convince you that I’m worthy of your time.

It’s not your fault, I only have myself to blame.

I shouldn’t and I’m not going to convince you to love me anymore.

I treated our love as something that I could have control over. I treated it as my own personal experiment and the worst part was that I convinced you to love me in a way that would make me feel better about myself. But it was never enough because it all comes down to the fact that I lack love towards myself.

The problem wasn’t you, it was me. I have pushed you away by demanding your love for me even though it was already there.

Love is not pushy or demanding.

I should have left it to flow naturally when our heartstrings were still connected to each other.

I was too busy convincing you to love me than to just enjoy the time we spent together.

I’m not going to convince you to love me anymore.

Loving someone shouldn’t feel forced. Instead, it will be the easiest thing to do when nothing else makes sense.

Being in love doesn’t mean constantly seeking for each other’s attention and feel insecure the minute we do our own thing.

I’m not going to convince you to love me.

It is wrong to depend on you to make me feel good about myself. It is and will always be my own responsibility.

The only thing you did was to love me. The problem was that I didn’t know that because I was too busy convincing you that I’m worth loving.

That’s why I’m not going to convince you to love me. I am just going to let you love me. It should always be your own choice that comes deeply from your heart.

From the girl who rambles through life 

Nothing stems deeper than our unresolved emotions

The other day I caught myself being unapologetic myself without a filter. There wasn’t a single moment that I was concerned about how others would view me and it felt like a breath of fresh air. But it wasn’t always the case that I dared to speak out my unpopular opinion and say anything that’s on my mind. No, it wasn’t like this at all, more like the opposite of how I am now which is someone who shies away from even speaking and agreeing to everything anyone says, just to make everything would like me and think I’m such a nice person (ew, cringe to myself). That pretty much worked against me, I got bullied and ignored for a huge part during high school. But I got stronger and time has soothed most of my pain and frustration. Still, I can say with certainty that there are still unresolved negative feelings floating inside of me.

Those feelings have melted into my identity and have turned into a permanent part of how I am now.

Thus, I have grown to build a mechanism to protect myself from there on. This mechanism shows itself when I am surrounded by unfamiliar faces or when I walk past a group of people that gives out the same vibe as the people who have bullied me. My mind then becomes guarded and my senses hyper-aware of my environment, expecting a negative encounter any moment and ready to come up for myself – always preparing myself for the worst case scenario, always ready to fight to never let my guard down and to prevent anyone walking all over me again. I don’t want history to repeat itself ever again.

There is always a reason why we act the way we act.

It comes from a place deep inside of us. We can always trace back and find out why we react in a certain way when placed in a certain pattern. Those negative feelings won’t just disappear in the light. It always expressed itself, each time in a slightly different form, based on the situation and people. Nevertheless, it always finds its way to reveal to the surface, showing it on our faces and the words we choose to speak out to protect our already damaged soul.

All we experience – the good and bad – but especially the bad shapes our shield of protection. It becomes a challenge when we let that shield determines us in how to react in any given situation. It’s almost impossible to not have a mechanism to project our unresolved emotions on. Somehow, we need to let it out in order to let go and move on.

Nothing stems deeper than our unresolved emotions.

It’s an ever moving process of gaining experiences and the emotions that we will establish along the way. When we experience something that establishes anger but never has had the chance to have closure, it will only bottle up over time and transform into something much more heavy and difficult to move on from. When we are not aware of this, it will radiate throughout our whole body and even damage our physical and mental health.

The way to express unresolved emotions to be at ease with ourselves is a temporary destination.

You can’t make a permanent stop and stay in the same place for the rest of your life. Because life gives us experiences every single day – good and bad – it is inevitable to avoid any shit storm that will bound to rush through your door any possible moment. And with every negative experience comes with heavy emotions, some clearing up as soon the sun rises the very next morning but in most cases, indeed unresolved and left in the dark corner. That’s why it is a temporary destination so we know we need to prepare ourselves soon to hit the road again and find the next place to be at peace with our emotions. It’s like a constant adjustment of a scale. Before we put our feet on it, we make sure that the arrow points to zero, so it would reveal the truth and not deceive our vision towards ourselves.

If we never wonder why we act a certain way, we would never take the next step to dig into our past; generating a lack of self-knowledge which results in an alienation towards ourselves.

Nothing stems deeper than our unresolved emotions.

Keep wondering about your own behavior towards yourself and others. Keep adjusting to feeling at peace.

Rediscover yourself, time after time, and learn to get to know yourself better in order to thrive above your pain and to get to the next destination of improvement.

Stay in motion: move, dig, run.

Anything is better than to stand still and drown into the hidden emotions.

Nothing stems deeper than our unresolved emotions.

And nothing ever keeps you from growing into a better person, than the toxicity of deep buried pain and frustration.

 

From the girl who rambles through life 

How to destroy relationships 101

I am sure that I am not the only one having have lost a couple of friends within a short period of time. On the other hand, I even hear it so much that I think that it is inevitable and bound to happen at some point in life. As for me, change was the turning point that eventually led to a farewell to my long known friends. Only.. change was just a tip of the iceberg – a mere trigger. Change only helped us to open our eyes and reveal our deep insecurities. Let just face it, our ego is bigger than our humility. It is a daily challenge we encounter and most of the time, ego wins and dress us up as their puppet and we voluntarily play along in their manipulative play.

When we decide to let our ego responds to change, we tend to do the following; we project, we blame, we look away and disappear.

We do anything to avoid looking inwards

To avoid confront ourselves why we don’t like the change(s) that is happening in the relationship.

We project and hold a mirror in front of them, then blame them to what happened with the broken reflection. We raise our voice and shove our questions in their faces and force them to give us the answers we want to hear. We disguise our ego by giving the impression that we want to talk it out, but we all know the only thing we want is to win the damn conversation/discussion. When that doesn’t happen, we snap;

”You should put yourself in my shoes” 

A classic sentence that kickoffs the guilt tripping game. In one way or another, we all have participated in this game before – whether in the role of the suspect or the accused one.

Which brings me to another game that involves mostly disappearing. When we disappear on our friend(s), it’s because change makes us uncomfortable to dig up our insecurities and expose us in the light. We rather ghost out on someone than to face the obstacles heads-on that comes with it.

Why do we play such dirty games to the people we claim to care about? 

My two cents? Because if we don’t, the only thing left to do is to look at ourselves and coming to the realization that we don’t really like what we are seeing. It’s hard to come to that conclusion and even more challenging to accept it. It’s even more soul-crushing to realize that you might be partially responsible for the change(s) that occurred in the friendship. Owning up to it means to let go of your ego and to admit that you are part of the reason why this friendship risks of expiring soon.
Like a dirty little secret, your ego will whisper in your ear;

‘’You have failed this friendship. You have failed. Guess what? You are a total loser.’’

And just like that, we give the torch back to our alter ego and abandon ourselves in the shadow.

A place where we don’t allow ourselves to work out on the issues that might save the friendship. It’s a dark place to be where our desire to work it out get overshadowed by the bright light of winning.

Like a tiny devil on your shoulders, your ego will whisper in your ear;

‘’Are you rather be a winner or a loser?’’

And just like that, when we are about to take a step back and willing to go through the steps to make it work –we changed our minds on the very last minute.

We begin to overstep, aggressively pulling down boundaries and destroy the last drop of empathy without second thoughts and leave the ruins behind while making sure, loud and clear, that we have won this battle.

We tell our defeated friend, ‘’This was all your fault.’’

Then, we tell ourselves, ‘’I am the winner, I am a winner.’’

Which brings us to the closing of the game. There are a couple of possibilities of endings, like above as an example. In that case, congratulations, you have just successfully destroyed a friendship. On the other side of this spectrum, you might feel inferior towards your friend after have talked about it. Now you feel like you have lost but especially that everything has been your fault. In a way, sure you have lost by thinking that everything has been your fault but nonetheless, you care enough to speak about it.
An alternative ending is where all parties involved leave their ego where it belongs (a.k.a the trash) and put the setbacks on the table to talk about it and succeed in doing so without feeling inferior or superior towards your friend. Win-win right?

Anyway, if you still want to know how to destroy a relationship? Haven’t you read everything by now? Damn you! Sorry that was my ego speaking.

Anyways, how to destroy relationships?

Let your ego play the lead and everything after that will for sure goes downhill.

No problem, for you anytime!

From the girl who rambles through life 

Just do it, we all die anyway

A dog, if lucky, can live up to around ten years. Cats, in general, has more time to seize the days. Still, compared to us, we have lots of time contemplating what to do with our time. One thing is certain for all of us, and that is that one day we will all be gone, vanished into dust or buried deep underneath the soil where the living wanders around, each one of them dying a little bit every day.

We grow older every single day but not particular wiser about how to spend our time while we still breathe and our heart still beating. Our ability to be conscious of our own thoughts is both a blessing and curse. A blessing because it helps us to relative and therefore aid in avoiding near death experiences. A curse because of the fact that we become too cautious about absolutely everything which leads to inaction and a passive approach to making decisions for our own life.

When we allow fear to make decisions for us, we become cowards of our own story; observers gazing from the sidelines – only able to take a glimpse of the show. When that happens, we no longer are writing our own story, but let it write itself by other bypassers and external circumstances.

We make excuses like ”Not now, someday” and then someday becomes another passing day.

We tell ourselves ”I don’t have time” when time is all we got and is slipping away the longer we wait to spend it for the things we truly want to do.

Feeling death inside while still being alive is the worse kind of state. It’s like trapped inside a limbo and not able to escape from it. But, it’s possible and we must escape from it in order to be our own storyteller, including telling all that is considered to be ”failures” like grammar errors, weirdly constructed sentences and out of character plots. In other words, mistakes, living life in no particular order and things we do with disapproval from others.

Pleasing others is a familiar territory for me. A drug that gives you an instant kick, knowing that you have kept everyone satisfied around you, so they would like you or even adore you. But then reality kicks in and leaves you empty inside. It makes you think that it’s a never-ending process to keep everyone constantly satisfied so it would burn you out and eat you alive. This all made me realize that not everyone has to like me. And that by focusing on others that much that I didn’t realize that I probably have missed out on some amazing souls if I have just have focused on myself first.

We ponder about our decisions to the point that nothing actually happens in the end. If you are waiting for a sign of the Universe, you can wait forever. If you are reluctant to try something ”out of character”, then you are willingly putting a limit on yourself of seeking new sides of yourself.

If you want to make the right decision in order to please everyone, you will become fully dependent on others.

You will lack authenticity because you can’t seem to stand bravely behind your own beliefs and goals. You will just get pushed around, forever adjusting your opinions to fit in.

Whatever you want to do, just do it.

Your answer probably? Yeah, but it’s not that easy 

Listen, I don’t give a flying fuck. If you are craving it and talk about it but still haven’t done anything about it then just stop wanting it.

Either do it or stop talking about it.

Because in the end, we all die anyway. 

Use the fact that we are mortals to pursue the things you want to do. It can be anything, really. Just do whatever makes you alive, while knowing that this life will be over in an eyeblink, but it will be magnificent, including all the fucked up things we will for sure come across with.

Don’t let that thought scares you and makes you passive. The word living says it already, it is a verb, it needs action to make it work and bring the best out of its potential.

Whatever it is what you want to do. Just do it – try it. We all die anyway.

But at least – with no regrets!

From the girl who rambles through life