Try walking in my shoes

Make-up all over the coffee table together with hot brewed Chinese tea. Hair in rollers and eyes multiplied in size by blue contacts and fake eyelashes. Still wearing our comfy clothes before we pull ourselves into party outfits and chitchat while doing each other’s make-up. That’s what I call a typical girls night out.

The preparation beforehand is even more fun than the party itself. Though you won’t hear me complain when there is a chance for me to let loose and dance the night away. And complaining was certainly not on the agenda that night. We were perfectly capable of making a boring ass party fun by simply making the most out of it. We entered the room with a smile on our faces and went out with an even brighter one. It was time to go home and break away from the crowd.

But don’t just think that going home wouldn’t involve any obstacles. For some, this thought won’t even cross their mind. I mean, why would going home be an obstacle?

It’s simple, because I’m a woman.

Did I tell you it was a girls night out? Let me correct myself, it was more like a woman’s night out, considering we’re all of mature.

So, when four grown-ass women just minding their own business walk down the city streets on their way home, you would think that doesn’t come with any potential danger, especially seen as we were walking on the same goddamn streets where I grew up, you would think we wouldn’t get bothered. I was lucky that the four of us didn’t shy away to confront a man who could not stop following us, let alone making him aware and embarrassed that he was disturbing our walk home. A place where we feel 100% safe.

Still, we were lucky, because you never know what could have happen.

To those men on the streets; how would you feel when every time you go out for a fun night, you also need to take into account that you have to be alert of any dangers around you once it’s time to head home. Even on the streets where you grew up. The same streets where you walked around cheerfully as a child without any worries or a sense of danger.
How would YOU feel when you expect such encounters when you walk across a group of men and don’t feel surprised about it at all. When you try hard to not look threatened or scared and just convince yourself that you should see the good in people.

I do, but sometimes it’s better to view a situation as a worst case scenario to prevent any danger to yourself. It’s a battle against my own morals, only because of the fact that I’m a woman. So I just wanted to ask those who can relate to such behaviour.

Try walking in my shoes.

Not just any shoes, but some kick ass stilettos that can send your balls flying.

Just try it.

Try walking in my shoes.

Try walking in these uncomfortable shoes, because it’s hard sometimes. The only ones we are causing pain is ourselves by wearing such unwearable shoes. But still, we don’t hurt other people or scare them. So no matter how hard and unfair it can be sometimes,

I’m still glad we aren’t using our nature to scare or hurt others.

Try walking in my shoes. For once, feel the pain we must endure as women.

From the girl who rambles through life

The power of words

Letters. Words. Sentences. A statement. A comment. A story. Look around you, you are surrounding by it.

Have you ever listen to music and felt so touched by the lyrics? As if the song was meant for you. As if the songwriter knows how to touch your soul with each note. It always depends on the mood you are in at that moment. When you are in a good mood, everything you hear sounds cheerful to your ears. But when you are down, you hear more than just the melody, you hear the true meaning behind the song. You give it your own meaning which suits that particular moment you are experiencing.

The power of words can be amazing and destructive at the same time.

How many times have I heard that “words don’t hurt” and truly wanted to believe that and live according to it. I tried and failed many times. As times passes by, it’s becoming more easy for me as I am running out of fucks to give about what anyone think of me.

Hurting words can leave an imprint on ourselves in which its ink remains just below the surface and has the ability to slowly find its way to our mind and heart. It becomes a sad place when you are down and look inside yourself to find reassurance but fail to find it, only able to see hurting words drifting along, reminding you of things once said to you or even worse; the things that have been spoken behind your back.

On the other hand, it is powerful in a positive way. Letters can be braided in a magical way to form words. Words can be combined with other suitable words to aspire and teach us a valuable lesson. They become sentences, turn into stories and even legends, to help those laying low to lift up their spirits once more. When enough people carry on telling the same aspiring stories, we keep those alive who once started to tell those same stories. Truly aspiring stories entertain us, but most importantly; they invite us to dig deeper and contemplate the hidden values, which is the main reason why it keeps being told.

How will you use the power of words?

Will you use it to hurt those around you by saying discouraging words? If you are someone who believes that words don’t hurt, think again.

Or will you use it to help those in need?
Do you have enough courage to stand up and say the most unpopular opinions to defend your own morals? Or will your words blend in and fade away among the words of so many others?

We all have the power. It only depends on how you will use it.

And in most cases; loud works counterproductive, less is more.

The power of words.

From the girl who rambles through life 

Loving someone from a distance

This night wouldn’t be another sleepless one if I could just shut down all my thoughts within me. And why does it always need to be about something negative? Couldn’t it just be about the things which made me smile throughout the day? It is becoming more difficult to count my smiles and easier to recall my struggles. If there will be falling stars tonight, I really wish I could have one night of solid sleep. That’s the only thing I need the most right here and now.

Tonight won’t be just another night.

It will be the day that my heart became a little more numb towards a specific person.

I would never thought my heart would numb out for someone I used to have such respect for, someone I sincerely looked up to, until now. Life goes on, but I won’t go on with the same feelings ever again. Some of it died along the way and left some empty spaces inside me which I believe will remain empty for a long time.

There are people in your life that you are going to love dearly. Those who kindle your heart with their presence using the exact right amount of light. Not just a shimmer or a torch of fire, but a shining aura which make you dazzle with love. Those are the ones you need so keep them close to you. Those who keep you warm, even in cold weather.

And then there are those who you can’t love properly when you keep them close to you.

You should know this, for you have already tried many times to prove it wrong but to no avail.
Because what logic is there to it if you can only love someone at a distance? I too refused to believe in that nonsense. My logic was always; those I love will always stay close to me.
But what if keeping them close to me will eventually cause me more harm than good? What if some people can’t be at your side all the time, even though they claim to love you?

Then the only remaining thing to do is to love them at a distance.

It is painful, yes, but what hurts me more is that I deny myself whenever I let some of those in my life for too long. Some people aren’t meant to be in my life. They aren’t meant to see the true face behind my mask. And I bet they aren’t able to do so either.

I still care. A lot. But I also made a promise to myself, which is; I won’t longer adjust my life to other people just to prove that I am worthy.
And that’s exactly the reason why I am doing this.

This time, I love at a distance, because I am worthy.

From the girl who rambles through life 

It’s time to think about myself

I’m getting to know myself better and better everyday. This may sound all good, but in reality it comes with harsh confrontations which I’d rather avoid if possible. For instance, I found out that I love to spend time with myself. That was weird to find out, coming from someone who used to feel shame when sitting alone somewhere. Someone who used to try to blend in with the group at a party. And when I did succeed in blending in and keeping my social face on for hours, I felt out of synch, like there was something odd going on inside me. I didn’t know this at the time but when certain feelings arise in similar situations, you know it doesn’t feel right to do certain things.

I thought I was doing things I enjoyed doing, but I was not.

I was copying other people’s behaviour around me. The only thing I was doing was adjusting to such an extent that I was taking everyone into account around me but myself. When people asked me to go to a festival with them, I would tag along. I would enjoy myself but I knew I wouldn’t venture to those places on my own. When people asked me to go see a movie, I would always go, whatever movie they chose to watch. In positive terms you could say I was easy going and socially active on a human level.

But in reality I was just another sheep, jumping over fences where the ones before me jumped first.

My subconscious would have thought that jumping over that same fence was the only way to cross it, but it’s not. Because who said I have to get over that same fence? I’m just fine staying here on the other side which is something I later found out.

When I hit rock bottom, I woke up with a clearer consciousness about myself. It was time to think about myself and no longer hold on to that old pattern which I have been doing for such a long time. I never took charge of anything I have ever participated in because I didn’t see any leadership qualities in me and because I had no faith in myself. I still have a long way to go in order to become a person qualified to lead, but one thing is for sure; my life must not be in the hands of anyone else. It’s time to think for myself and act accordingly, because if I don’t, pieces of me will slowly disappear and be absorbed by those who take charge of me, whether they do so intentionally or not.

It’s time to think about myself and stand strong on both feet in order to take charge, for the things I believe in.

From the girl who rambles through life 

There is so little romance around me

I love to observe people, especially couples.
Yes I’m that rude person that will overhear your conversation with your partner when I’m sitting next to you at a restaurant. And today was such a day that my ears couldn’t resist to hear some couples talk to each other.

So what did I hear? Absolutely nothing. I mean nothing in particular really. I could see the girl was trying hard to start a conversation with her guy, but oh well, what chance does she have if he is actually cockblocking himself with his vibrating gadget. For those perverted minds among you, I meant his phone.

I know it’s just a small fragment from their probably lovely relationship, but I couldn’t help but think how much of their time spent together would look like this. Isn’t it true that people in general try harder when they are outside in the public eye? So I thought, if this guy already acts like this in public, how would he act at his most comfortable state with her, when he is, for example, at home?

I see more and more couples taking each other for granted, especially the guys in my environment (No offense, guys). But girls, bitch some up please?
You don’t need to be gentle when it comes to quality time. When he does not give you the attention you deserve he is just wasting your precious time. Nobody has the time to spend with their partner just to see him constantly grabbing his phone instead of your hand, and to see him constantly grin at his screen instead of talking to you like a normal human being.

Time will never come back once spent, so make sure that no one feels important enough to waste yours.

It is just sad to see how there is so little romance happening around me. What happened with old fashioned bonding? It really baffles me that people would rather make a perfect photo of themselves as a couple and post it online, instead of being present at that particular moment to just let it sink in and enjoy each other’s company.

Moments like that pass by so quickly, what if you manage to capture it in a picture but not in your heart? What use is it to you then?

Or maybe I just don’t understand how modern dating works. If that is the case, I’d rather stay foolish about it.

From the girl who rambles through life 

A break from the madness

Sometimes you need to take a step back to refresh your perspective. To stand above yourself and your surroundings. To break away from the crowd and stand from a distance to witness the unnecessary noise.

A break from the madness

By taking a break every now and then, we charge ourselves up with energy again by soaking up new stimulations. Every time I encounter an unknown situation, it sets me back to zero. In a good way, though.
It keeps me humble when I need to figure out how to approach those situations. Such reminders are always good to have, especially in times when you usually act on autopilot.

To me, I went to travel in order to leave behind the madness of my hometown. The pressure was way up there in my head; the pressure of constantly worrying about practical things which aren’t even my priorities to begin with. I have always placed my own needs at the bottom of the list and others at the top, but that same implementation leads to my own destruction.

During this break, I tried to empty my mind by gaining knowledge about this city. A city which I have never visited before. I forced my worries to leave my mind – even if it’s temporarily – to fill it with new information. This sounds forced, but you can actually make your mind let go of negative energy by simply letting go. And for me, it works better when I’m in a foreign place.

It doesn’t matter that it’s a distraction. It matters more that you will bring your new experiences back with you to your own home and to make sure these experiences will remind you of when you feel yourself struggling again in the oasis of madness.

So it’s okay, take it easy.

Take a break from the madness.

From the girl who rambles through life 

It’s great to live, not just to be alive

I try to be more mindful about just how privileged I am to be healthy, to be alive. All my senses are perfectly functioning; I can see ordinary things that would seem like miracles to other people, I can smell scents which are indescribable to some, I can hear street artists playing music and talented singers sing with angelic voices while some people can only try to imagine what kind of sound they produce. I can taste every flavour there is while others are unable to enjoy food as a gift. That’s why I’m grateful to be alive and well.

But just because I’m better off than some doesn’t mean I shouldn’t thrive myself. Life has so much more to offer and it’s much easier to accept those offers when you’re not suffering from any physical or mental problems.

I thrive for moments which take my breath away. I don’t mind the tears rolling down my cheeks when I become too overwhelmed or happy because I’m spending time with the right people. I make sure I don’t have tunnel vision where I can only see what is right in front of me. Instead, I tilt my head upwarth and count the plane trails during the day and the sparkling stars during the night. It’s the same with how I view people; by looking at them with tunnel vision I’m only able to see one side of them, which is either good or bad. However, by broadening my horizon I’m able to see every part of them. Every part of what makes them human.

Its great to live, not just to be alive.

I strive for more moments like when I look down on the streets watching cute dogs rather than my phone. I strive to sincerely connect with people instead of using connections in order to reach my personal goals. The mighty influencers want us to waste our time by making them richer and richer, while I want to create priceless memories that will live on forever through generations by telling the stories of our lives. Feel everything; sorrow, pain and shame. But also deep gratitude, wonder, excitement and longing.

It’s great to live, not just to be alive

I use my basic senses not only to feel alive but to live day by day, knowing I can walk miles but still feel wonder when I actually achieve it. To live means to react sincerely, not taking into account how others will perceive you. Because no matter what, it will always be negative in someone’s eyes. The eyes which are able to look, but not able to see.

So if you are alive, healthy and well. Feel grateful and strive for more, strive to live.

But do so on your own terms.

From the girl who rambles through life 

I am forever an apprentice

The last time I set foot inside my university has already been two years ago. From that moment on, I expanded my curriculum vitae with a bachelors degree. On paper, I finished my academic career and I was ready to enter into the adult world. But in reality, I was just a baby bird who had only learned how to fly in one specific way. In order to survive and to be able to bring out the best in yourself you’ll need the ability to fly in all sorts of ways, to discover there are more lessons to be learned which are not found within school walls.

Learning doesn’t stop the moment you accept your diploma with both hands.

On the contrary, it is just the beginning of a never ending learning adventure. To learn, you don’t need required qualifications in order to start.

Every step you take in life will automatically teach you a lesson, without the privilege of warning you about your chosen decisions or the possible consequences that might follow.

You live and learn at the same time. You will fall countless times and while there will be people along the way to help you get back on your feet, most of the times you’ll need to rely on yourself to get back on track and to continue your learning adventure. It’s okay to fall. It might even be great sometimes because, as long as you walk this Earth during your lifetime, you are and forever will be an apprentice. To never fall means you will never know how it feels to be reborn again from the ashes.

I’m forever an apprentice in my life, which means I will keep taking in new knowledge with every breath.

It feels as if we don’t learn all that much over a certain period of time. But that’s the thing with time. We are only able to see our progress when we reflect back on the past. I will take myself as an example. When I look back to my older blogposts and compare them to more recent ones I can see how much my writing and vocabulary have improved, just in a short time span of seven months. Even though inspiration is often nowhere to be found, I still refuse to let that stop me from learning more about writing in general. I have learnt that inspiration will not appear by itself when you sit long enough behind your desk and try to squeeze out your hidden thoughts. I have taught myself to go and find it by going out and actually experiencing what life has to offer me, so I can learn what I can offer the world in return.

By acknowledging myself as forever an apprentice, I am more open-minded to new stimulations. I seek to learn from new experiences instead of judging them when they are still unknown to me. Therefore, I don’t judge those without any degree or with a lower degree than mine because, in one way or another, we can always learn something from each other. We just need to be open-minded enough.

Stay humble enough to acknowledge yourself as merely an apprentice. This way, life becomes a large cauldron filled with a mix of various potions.

Every sip you dare take, no matter the consequences, is a valuable lesson to be learned.

I’m forever an apprentice.

From the girl who rambles through life 

Will you hold my hand in the dark?

I’ve always feared the dark. When I was young, I was too scared to go downstairs to get a cup of water from the kitchen. And when I did, my heart would pump so fast, especially when I accidentally turned my gaze into the direction of the wide window. I would rush up the stairs and jump back in bed, safely covered underneath my sheets.

But lately, I grew to appreciate the absence of light. Without it, I would never been able to see the bright stars shining down upon me during my hiking trip back in Indonesia. Without it, I couldn’t possibly have fallen asleep, especially when my mind refused to shut up while my body begged me to give it a goodnight rest. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to see the glistening moon on a calm day without any clouds in the sky.

Still it’s scary to walk alone in the dark, because we can’t see what’s in front of us, therefore it’s uncertain what will happen. Luckily everything seems to be less scary when I’m accompanied with people around me. The right kind of people.

I’m an odd soul. I love to be alone and do the things which make my heart smile, but every now and then, I need someone to be there for me, especially in darker times. Even though I am less afraid of it than before. I am still hoping, if I fail to find my way out, that there are people out there who will help me.

I just wonder, will you hold my hand in the dark? I don’t need solutions and answers, I just need a reminder every once in a while that it is okay to still feel afraid in the dark, even though I am already a grown-up. When a pat on my shoulder is enough to get me going and show myself again from underneath the blanket.

I just need a hand. A reaching hand.

Will that be you if the time demands it?

Will you hold my hand in the dark?

From the girl who rambles through life