How I Became Average & How To Outgrow it

Growing up in a household with two big sisters and a little sister whom I always look up to. My biggest sister is the typical big sister everyone will look up to. Everything she plans to do — she does with success. My second sister goes her own way, no one can tell her what to do — and that is exactly why everyone loves her. My little sister and my best friend is the wisest person you will ever meet in life. Both academically and socially. And I? I am the third child — the middle one. For a long time, I felt that with everything in my life.

In other words: average.

I felt average when it comes to my ability to learn at the primary school. I felt average when it comes to my social life during high school. I felt average when it comes to my academic knowledge during college life. My chosen major even felt average due to all those times the same people have asked me what kind of major I was doing. I already lost the count of times they have asked me. I was always sitting in between people to make sure there is not even the slightest chance that I would stand out. I was never the first person to act or speak out because I was afraid that I would say anything dumb — anything average. However, that was exactly what it made me average; by thinking that I’m average, to think I didn’t have the right to act ‘’differently’’, whatever that supposed to mean. So, I took the average path — a path which keeps me safe. An indifferent path without any tiny rocks to stumble over, only my own feet. And I did, every time I continue to walk this path, I stumbled over my own feet. As if my own body refused to walk further as if my basic instincts sense danger if I continue to walk down this path. Odd, considering there isn’t any risk for danger on a perfectly crafted path without any holes and crooked parts.

That’s exactly it. That’s the danger. The danger of not improving yourself, not growing stronger physically and mentally. The danger of having your mind and movements on automatic pilot. No sense of curiosity nor a sense of consciousness around you. The danger of having excessive comfort that you become extremely uncomfortable instead. Your mind craves for more. It craves for new surroundings and stimulations. It craves for challenges to unriddle and places to wander off.

That sounds very much like a side effect of a suppressed mind if you ask me. Well, at least I have my support group script already on paper.

‘Hello, my name is Kimberley Chung and I am a mind suppressor. I have been doing this almost all my life without realizing it. Lately, it’s not going so well with this path I have been walking on. My power of suppressing is becoming weaker, while my urge to free myself of this mediocre path is becoming stronger each passing day’’

I have always underestimated myself. I was sincerely convinced that I was just this dumb basic girl, without any outstanding looks, skills, and passions. I felt devastated not knowing if I have made my parents proud or not, even to this day I’m not aware of it.
I have suppressed my mind to a point where I began to believe that I was just plain average. Nothing less. Nothing more. There is nothing wrong when you feel at ease, but in my case, I’m not. Deep down in me, there is a scorching fire glowing inside which I completely have ignored all this time. I used to look at most of my peers before making any important decisions, because I was afraid making a ‘’different’’ one, therefore ‘’wrong’’. I used to listen to opinions from others to make sure mine was aligned with them. I used to change my clothes over and over again to finally go out, covered in basics and knew I wouldn’t stand out in the crowd. I chose the most responsible and economic wise study and end up with a typical corporate job — without feeling anything particular about it. It was even in the direction of numbness.

At the end of the day, frustration has covered me like a topcoat. Hard to wash off. Frustrated by the fact that I have been constantly comparing myself. First with my sisters, then my friends, then my classmates and the rest of my acquainted group. Frustrated, because I have been dimming my light to let others willingly overshadowing me and feel frustrated about it. Again. The circle of frustration is around. And it can begin all over again the next day, but only if you let it happen to yourself.

It is never too late to take another path.

And if it isn’t there yet, you are not doomed. You can always make yourself a path to walk on. A path which suits your pace of walking. A path which you will appreciate, without the approval of others.

I started to build my own path three years ago by first traveling to another continent. I flew as far as possible from home on purpose. To know that I won’t back out that easily. To know I couldn’t go back that easily. For six months, I was on the other side of the world as an exchange student. It has led me to see other sides of myself that I didn’t even know I had. From the very first day of that journey, I decided to throw myself into the unknown. I decided to get head on my own challenges which I would face, and in which I decide every step, without thinking too much of the outcome. Afraid of meeting new people? Okay, the more the reason to throw me under the people. And so, I have step by step broke my path of mediocrity and brick by brick have started to build my own path. I broke a large piece of that old path by quitting my job where I poorly get treated, yet stayed for a long time for its secure income. I broke another large piece by standing up for myself, consequently lost all my long known friends. It looks like I only have lost instead of gained, but it isn’t like that at all.

I started to create as a therapeutic way to heal myself from all the losses.

I started to bake from scratch, sharing my baked goods online, baking homemade cakes as birthday presents. Someone even has reached out to ask me to bake at least 200 buns a week for a restaurant. I also started to write, letting all words flowing out of my mind. Having restless nights of not having touched a pen. Hearing of many that they love my writing and can relate to most of my pieces. It even has motivated me to a point to write a book in which I have already completed the very first chapter. All this became possible because I finally started to embrace the inner fire in me. The burning desire of creating, which make my fire of determination, even more, greater, which make my desire to create even more. The circle is around, again. From that moment, it just makes sense. I felt it. I finally felt more than just average, I felt alive. From that point, I keep building my path like a real handyman. I couldn’t stop anymore. A brick here and a brick there. The hammer constantly up and down. My path isn’t a safe crafted road anymore. Far from it, it isn’t safe because of all those imperfect cracks I made along the way. It isn’t safe anymore because there are countless crossings to choose from where to go next.

Each crossing leads to another unknown place, where new life lessons waiting for me to discover and to learn more about.

Allowing myself seeing more than the tunnel vision I have forced myself into. The world looks much more promising through the eyes of a passionate soul.

I may be and will always stay as the middle child of the family.

But, average?

I wasn’t average at all apparently. I always keep wondering whether there is more to learn, more knowledge to share, more to discover in this vast world we are living in. I am driven, full of curiosity and stripping my average skin away.

Average?

Far from it.

It is never too late to take another path. And if it isn’t there yet? Start building it yourself. One step at a time. 

 

From the girl who rambles through life 

I knew I had it in me

Two months ago, I started to write. Not just five or ten sentences. I wrote like I was high on drugs. I wrote as soon as I had free time on my hands. I would suddenly sat straight in my bed to scrabble key words of my ideas to make sure I wouldn’t forget it the next morning. I built a personal blog around my writing to put my outlook on life on a platform where I could share it with others. My mind is always making over hours, it never stops thinking about how I can make the best out of this all-consuming world.

I always wanted to inspire others — but I didn’t know how, but I knew I had it in me.

Now I know how. I feel like I can seriously contribute to something great by written words. Everything suddenly makes sense once I am in possession of a pen, paper and my mind. Words will magically appear on paper — then on my laptop, and then hopefully will appear before your very own eyes. And when that happens, I hope it inspires you — I hope it makes your day better, even in the smallest way.

I always wanted to help others — but I didn’t know how, but I knew I had it in me. 

The moment I started to believe in myself, felt liberating. I used to thought: ‘’I know I have it in me’’ to ‘’It doesn’t matter, unless you take action’’.

So, if you are already aware you have it in you, whatever it is, go for it. Take action.

Ready. Set. Go

From the girl who rambles through life 

How you react to a situation says everything about your character

I don’t know what it is that causes it, but people get real offended when I say exactly what I want from them.

Last year, I had trouble working on my thesis, therefore, I needed help and support from my mentor. Unfortunately, summer break was almost coming at that time. But, that didn’t stop me from asking him if he can Skype with me one more time, to get things in perspective for me, so I can continue working on it during the whole break. Something snapped inside him and he started to yell at me like a mad dog, ”Who do you think YOU  are that I am going to make time for you to Skype, while I’m probably relaxing along the swimming pool with my family? I already spent a lot of time guiding you”. In total, he repeated the sentence ”Who do you think you are” three times. I bet I could get an uncertainty complex if I am not strong enough. There was no use to interrupt him and explained myself that he got it all wrong. I just let him rant and rant until the colour of his face turned human again.

A similair thing happened when I visited the general practitioner for the third time with the same health complaints. I suggested to him if he could refer me to the hospital for further research, as I already waited a long time now to do something about it. He yelled and explained he didn’t study ten years for his degree to write referral letters for me. Then, he continued yelling that I can find another doctor if I’m not satisfied about this situation. Explaining my worries to him doesn’t let him move an inch of empathy.

Wow, just wow.

In both of these situations, I didn’t yell back or lost my cool. First, it’s not worth it to waste my energy on it. Second, there is no use to explain yourself to unreasonable people. Didn’t I want to fight back? Oh hell yeah, I wanted to slam on their heads, real hard. But, I know it will just satisfy me for like a second before everything will escalate. It’s not good for my well-being to suffer due to other’s stupidity.

How you react to a situation says everything about your character. Sometimes, showing strength isn’t only the ability to speak up for yourself. Sometimes, it’s indeed not saying anything at all.

And let things take care of itself. And it did, big time. Not only did I get another mentor to guide me through my thesis period, I even managed to get that referral letter I was so desperately going for to take care of my health. It’s because both of these things involved a really high priority in my life. It certainly is more important than to discuss with these two lovely gentlemen. Nobody ain’t got time for that.

After all, without saying a single word, I got what I needed. No precious words and energy spoiled. 

And they? A higher blood pressure, for sure!

From the girl who rambles through life

 

 

It doesn’t matter what I am doing, but who I’m spending time with.

The metal version of “Hello” from Adele was playing in the background, when I wiped the sleep out of my eyes. Nearly a minute in the car, and it was already filled with intense singing & laughter. Our road trip officially kicked off, while we were surrounded with each other’s comfort and positive vibes.
One song after another song were playing while we make fun of each other music taste. We are each so different, yet in synch in each other company. In spite of the absence of a birthday cake, it was the most sincerest birthday I had in a long time which I spent in my neighbouring country. The landscape of flowers & trees left me speechless when its met my eyes. It didn’t feel forceful at all to feel this way with the right people around me. No forceful atmosphere at all. It was simple, yet a feeling which is difficult to accomplish these days. I crave for authenticity & sincerity.

Time can be filled with fancy dinners, the most hyped parties & time spent too long to impress people who doesn’t matter.

Those who matter, don’t need to get impressed at the first place.

You can be at the most beautiful place on earth – imagine yourself surrounded by the exotic bloom of cherry blossoms – however, highly possibly to be ruined when you are with someone or a group of people who are just not on the same level of thinking and viewing. They are not better or worse than me, just different.

There is nothing beautiful than to spend time with souls who you can communicate with, without walls built led by untrustworthiness, suspicion & uncertainty. We can do boardgames in our pyjama, and play adventure immersive games with freshly brewed tea, anything or nothing, and it will feel infinite. While you can look at your best in your perfect red lips and tight black dress, being served by handsome bartenders with fancy-looking cocktails, and somehow feel lonely and out-of-place. Feeling like an alien surrounded by the wrong people. Imagine how you will feel, in the same perfect red lips and black dress, AND with your kind of people. The souls who you can laugh at, without becoming angry immediately. The kind of souls who do stupid things together, and have no regrets later. The kind of people where you can show your bare soul, no need to be afraid whether they will accept you. Because they will, with flaws and all.

It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, but who I’m spending time with.

From the girl who rambles through life

From the girl who rambles through life

Hi there!

How nice of you to take a look on my personal blog Rambles by Kim. In real life I don’t ramble a lot, except to my boyfriend. But hey, that’s what boyfriends are for, right? See, the rambling starts already. That’s why I called my blog Rambles by Kim. However, it isn’t typically me if I don’t throw a deeper meaning into it. The word ”ramble” has more meanings than only to ramble as in talk or write at length in a confused or inconsequential way. Please, first thing you need to know about me is that I’m in no way a superficial person. The contrary, I’m too deep that I’m afraid that someday I would fall into the earth, ending up in the bottom of the sea, gasping for some air and trying to escape from those terrifying deep sea monsters.

To come back at you.

Ramble also means walk for pleasure, typically without a definite route.

This is actually how my life is at the moment. I’m terrible in planning and I tried to talk myself out of it that I just need to buy an organizer to get my shit together. However, ending up stashing my organizer away (AGAIN) for it ends up blanco and untouched, I rest my case. So nope, ramble goes fine with me.

My life is an indefinite adventure, which I wholeheartedly try to embrace its shortcomings and chances.

It gets ugly at times, but restores itself again when I stop for a moment and realize how blessed I am for the things I do have and for the people around me who are being honest and real with me. There aren’t much of them, but I sure can find them whenever I need their comfort and inspiration.

Moreover, I also want to share my rambles with all of you. For my fellow people. For all of you. Because it gets difficult at times and it would be nice if you can share it with other people, right?

Most importantly, I hope that I can inspire you somehow between my lines of rambles.

From the girl who rambles through life