It is those ordinary days that makes it special

I am merely two weeks in this new city and I already suffer from homesickness. Never would I have thought that it will hit me that quickly and that strong.

I believe home mostly is a feeling and not particularly a place.

You can stay the rest of your life in the same exact place that you were born at and still feel like you are not home and even out of place as if you don’t belong in it or something. On the other hand, you can feel at home at places you only have visited once or have lived for a short period of time. Still, without a doubt, I feel utter gratitude about the place of my upbringing because it sure has an influence on the way how I have turned out to be. Therefore, this feeling of gratitude is not applicable to other places I have ever visited or lived in my life.

Still, home to me isn’t a place, it’s a feeling. A feeling of familiarity and safety. 

I miss the warmth of his arms around my shoulders when he comes home from a long day work. The scent of food on his hands when he touches my cheek while giving me a soft kiss on my lips. The walls he has left down once he is at home, looking exhausted but a glistening spark in his eyes of contentedness once he sees me again. The moment when we sit together on the couch and talk about our days. When I make him instant noodles while he takes a shower and shamelessly eating too when he makes it look so delicious when he is eating it. I miss the comforting silences between us. Dancing around in the living room while there is no any music playing. Going on grocery dates and having little fights in between because of nothing. It’s all so ordinary yet worth every piece of my heart.

It’s those ordinary days that makes it special. 

Of course, I miss our less ordinary days too, but every time I think about him, I think about those ordinary days. The simplicity and rawness. The very core of a relationship is built on these days unless you are rich and can do something fancy every single day. Besides, it’s the only way to find out if you really like to be around someone – let alone love – when your relationship has come to a stable point and nights out aren’t on the daily agenda.

It is through this way that you know if the fundamental of your bond is strong or rather fragile. 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t work for it anymore, but I just want to remind you that we should always stop for a moment at some point and appreciate the time you have spent with each other. When you truly appreciate one another presence, then there is no necessity to sugarcoat it. What’s the use when you are all dolled up for another candlelight dinner when you can’t seem to take your eyes off your phone? You may be physically present but it’s about mentally present as well. It’s about making time for each other – even in your pajamas and sweats at home – and let the other presence sink through your whole being. That’s real intimacy if you’d ask me. It’s about getting to know each other a little bit better every time you spend time together. In the end, it’s all about reminding yourself that you have fallen for that person when there was no trace of sugar coating or a rose-tinted filter.

It’s those ordinary days that makes it special. 

From the girl who rambles through life 

Under The Same Sun – Prologue

‘’Papa?’’

I looked up to a young woman with wavy pearl white long hair. Her eyes in shock. My back got sore after have been leaning on the tree for hours. She waited for my response, but there was no sound coming out from me. I would never have dared that this day would come. I didn’t look a day older when I came back, except for some new worried lines on my face. And when I look at her, standing in front of me, with her facial expression, I couldn’t help but think about Ellie. With that same twinkling in her eyes. They are just so alike.

Slowly, I stood up and wiped the dirt off my pants. This woman who is standing in front of me looks the same age as me, is actually my daughter. It is still hard to believe. I staggered to her while looking her in the eyes. Her eyes were also fixed on mine. When I was just one foot away from her, I lost my balance and my body dragged me down, with my knees on the ground. I still need to get used to gravity.

‘’Are you okay?’’ She felt on her knees too and reached out her hand to me. But I didn’t take it. Instead, I bent my head towards the soil so she couldn’t see my face. I could feel her eyes were still fixated on me. Then, I felt her hands on both my shoulders, she came closer to me and embraced me. My body started to shake tremendously and my eyes started to well up.

I wept. At this point, I couldn’t pretend to be stronger than I am, not this time. Unfortunately, I couldn’t appear as strong as I wanted to be in front of her. She fell silent for a long time while she kept hugging me. It had been a very long time to feel the warmth of family again. I silently kept weeping and kept telling myself to be the stronger one for the both of us. But it was obviously her role to play. We sat there in silence for a long time before I finally said something to her.

‘’Emma, isn’t it?’’

She smiled. ‘’Yes, Emma.’’ Her eyes were wet and swollen with her head kept high and proud. ‘’The hospital called me today about your arrival and that you already have been recovered. I immediately rushed back home, but when I couldn’t find you there, I knew you would be here. I don’t know if you already know.. ‘’

I nodded and then shows her the book and the attached letter, which was still tightly clamped in my hand.

Tears kept rolling down her cheeks while she said proudly with a soft voice, ‘’it’s my favorite book.’’
I didn’t know that. ‘’What is it about?’’
She shook her head. ‘’This book is dedicated to you. It’s about your journey through her eyes.’’

A lump felt heavily in my throat.
She continued. ‘’It was her way of coping with the situation because she thought that she would lose you forever. She was mourning in her own way.’’

‘’But, I wasn’t.. ‘’

‘’Yes, we know, but still, we missed you a lot when you were away.’’

The lump got bigger in my throat and made it harder for me to speak out. Voice trembling, I said sorry.

She patted on my shoulder. ‘’It’s okay, Papa. You already said that lot of times in your letter. And mum explained everything to me. Please don’t apologize anymore.’’

She took something out of her pocket and showed it to me.

My dearest, when you are able to read this letter, it means you no longer are a little girl. I want to say sorry. Sorry for all those times I haven’t been there for you when I was supposed to. Sorry for not teaching you how to walk, how to ride the bicycle. Sorry for missing out on all those important moments – your first birthday, your first steps and words. I have never played any part in your life, and I should have. I want to, still. To me, you are and will always be my little girl. I wish you nothing but happiness and love. Maybe someday, we will finally able to meet each other – and not only to live separately under the same sun. When that day arrives, I hope to meet you at the same very spot where Mom and I planted this tiny seed – probably have turned into an enormous tree by now. You should know that I am doing my best every day – hoping one day we could be in the same universe – reunited as a family.

I beamed with immense proud, still with tears rolling down my cheeks.

She smiled. ‘’I’ve kept all my letters from you. Want to read it together?’’

‘’Of course’’
Before I knew it, curiosity led me to ask how old she is.

‘’I can proudly say I am part of the thirty-something club.’’ She sighed with a faint smile. ‘’Why?’’

‘’Well can’t your old man know your age?’’

‘’Of course, my old man who doesn’t really look that old.’’ She blinked with emphasis when she said the word ‘’old’’.

‘’I know, it is confusing. I only found out shortly when I came back.’’

‘’It’s a miracle.’’

‘’Well, not really, technically it’s a matter of science, I said.

‘’Papa, please.’’

‘’I can explain it to you if you want.’’

‘’Mum already warned me about this.’’ She chuckled. ‘’She was right, you are such a snob.’’

‘’You have no idea how long I haven’t heard of that word.’’ I smiled. ‘’She sure made sure to mention about me from time to time, didn’t she?’’ Again, a lump in my throat.

We finally stood up and meanwhile it has turned into night. Only the moon gives light in the forest. Arm in arm, we headed back to the city. When we almost got home, she turned around to me. ‘’Papa, I want to hear all about your adventure.’’

‘’Haven’t you already read about it?’’

‘’Not that version, I want to hear your version, the one which actually happened.’’

‘’It will take some time to tell you everything.’’

‘’Well, I already waited for thirty years, so why not?’’ I saw a sudden panic in her eyes.

‘’Young lady, you sure have inherited some wits from your mum.’’ I tried to joke away her comment while it still can to reassure her. It’s okay, I don’t blame her at all. I opened the door with a firm push and let her in first. I let out a big sigh before I enter the house.

Thirty years

She said thirty years.

Goddamnit.

The Beauty Of Spending Time Alone

I used to think that it was just sad for those who eat out alone, go to a movie alone, or even just walking down the street alone. I would think why anyone would willing to be alone in public? Isn’t that extremely lonely? For some, it may be the case that some do wish to have company but haven’t had the chance to meet the right people. On the other hand, some do consciously spend time alone. For those people, I applaud you because you are able to see the importance of it.

There is something really authentic about alone-time. 

When we spend time with others, we take each other into account, we adjust subconsciously depending on the person you are with at that moment. The less close you are, the more you adjust. Thus, the less you express your authentic self. It’s okay when you retreat from time to time, away from unnecessary meetups and people. Even when surrounded by closed ones, I still need to squeeze some time in for only myself. Not because I don’t like their company, it’s because I like my own company as well. It’s because I like to be on my own with my own thoughts and daydreams, without noises interrupting me.

That’s the beauty of spending time alone. 

The last couple of days I spend most of the time alone. It just happens so because I literally only know a person in this new city and haven’t had did anything so far concerning meeting new people. But I’m actually fine with it, I’m more than fine with it. It’s an aesthetic appreciation towards myself once I took myself out into the world of the unknown because I knew I would have to face a lot of things alone. I enjoy this feeling with an underlying anxiety. It scares me out to think that anything I do, will point back at myself when things aren’t going the way I had in mind. That also means I would be the one fixing it without the excuse of blaming someone else. Look around you. How much time does someone blame others for their own actions without reflecting what may have caused it? It’s the easy way out to blame others while looking critically at yourself is a slap in your own face.

That’s when spending time with yourself come into the picture as well. By doing so, you are constantly self-reflecting. From every step and every decision, it goes through your own mind.

When spending time alone, you would develop a sense of responsibility to yourself.

This feeling of responsibility will get so strong to the point that anything you decide to deal with is coming from a good place. This place is called self-care. Caring about and for yourself isn’t selfish at all. I felt empowered when I was surrounded by people on my way of exploring. Even though lots of things were happening at the same time, I still could find myself and my trust instinct. That’s one more benefit, by spending time alone, you learn to trust yourself. I mean, if you don’t, don’t expect others to see your authentic side when you don’t have the courage to do anything on your own.

The most dangerous one is actually not having the guts to own up your own life and steer it in whatever direction you want to be.

Because, if you don’t, what else is seriously still left of you?

From the girl who rambles through life 

Being present in time is a present itself

Being present in time is a present itself

I moved out two days ago. By moving out, I mean flying to the other side of the world. Yes, I know – I either do nothing or go extreme. There is usually no middle ground when it comes to me. A lot of times, I get into troubles because of my procrastination and lack of willpower to start something or finish it. But once in a blue moon when my eye is set on a goal, it will lead me into oases of opportunities, novelties and life lessons. This trip to Down Under may only have been two days so far, but it already has given me some things to think about. One of the things I noticed is that I am fully present all the time while I’m here. I look up and observe anything around me while strolling around the big city.

By observing more, I noticed that more things stick longer because of the fact that I am more aware of using my senses.

My eyes see more because I look around me more often. My ears hear more because I am having a more open attitude towards people. My nose smells more while my taste gets more stimulated because of the unfamiliar food I came across to.  Last but not at least, I feel more because I allow myself to go out and take in new experiences instead of staying in all the time.

It sounds like common sense, but in practice, it always seems to deviate from it and shows us a whole another scenario. It’s in our nature to get distracted easily because of our short concentration span, especially when you are being exposed to endless and endless of stimulations in nowadays tech-dominated age. It may even have shortened our concentration span in a sense. It’s almost impossible to avoid it because technology not only reaches you, but your environment gets the temptation too to pick out the phone every time it vibrates.

Our unconscious need to copy others eventually give us a reassuring feeling that we belong to a group too. 

When you see everyone looking on the phone on the train, you tend to do the same thing instead of looking out the window and enjoy the view. Gradually, from copying others behaviour it turns into a habit that is hard to shake off.

That’s why it is so damn hard to be actually present in time. Your physical body may be present in a specific place. However, when your mind constantly wanders off to another place, it doesn’t even matter that you are in that specific place. You will miss out and won’t get to experience something that will stick and in which you want to take the time to let it sink in and gets to learn from. Everything will just be a blur, something you will forget the minute you get distracted again by another thing which pops up in front of you.

Being present in time is a present itself

It is something we often overlook and take granted for. We are only able to open this present by actually making use of it. Not like those presents you receive at your birthday and never even have used it once after your party is over. To not be able to be present in time means you stack this gift of yours away under a pile of other neglected presents. This one is not useless. It will never get outdated and anyone – no matter young or old – can make use of it.

Open this present and enjoy every bit of it

From the girl who rambles through life 

Living by my own terms

If you have been following my blog, you may know that writing is my place to let out anything what comes to my mind, anything that stops me from smiling and growing and anything that made me want to voice my outlook on life. It was actually sad how it all started. I can not say it enough because it still has some impact on me.

I was struggling. Hard.

I didn’t know what to do with my life while I got older every day. I didn’t know what my strengths were nor didn’t know how to find it.
I started to compare my life with other people and I realized I wasn’t where they were at that point. I realize that shy and insecure 14 year old girl was still a part inside me. That girl who got bullied and ignored during a big part of high school. Always having too much thoughts but never had the guts to share it. I wanted to be liked, to be adored. The only thing I wanted was to be acknowledged at. That girl you wanted to hang out with after school. That person you want to listen to when she was talking. Not pretending, but actually listening and showing interest in the things I say. But as more and more thoughts shifted through me, my walls became higher and higher to protect me from the outside. Because that’s where they could hurt me with their negativity, discouraging words and ignoring postures. My wall became impenetrable and I slowy started to dismiss my emotions to harden up my shield. As time passes by, I had a group of friends whom I regularley hang out with. Finally, it was my time to have friends around me. I could not be more happier to have people around me who actually wants to spend time with me. So, I hold tightly on it and had a unhealthy longing for harmony and a fear to coming up for myself in order to keep the people around me happy and sound. Every time someone was in need for a listening ear, I was there to listen. Every time someone needed a good laugh to distract themselves from their bad day, I was there to make them laugh.

Because I didn’t want to be alone. Ever again.

I didn’t know it then, but growing up surely has its odds. I began to learn more about myself through the people I have met along the way. I started to get more conscious about myself. Including my emotions and deep hidden thoughts. Crying was a sign of weakness, so I hav learnt of my childhood. As a result, II never really dared to cry in front of my family. Talking about feelings and problems which do not per se involved education was never really encouraged. That was up to yourself to bury away, swallow it or just forget about it. There was no time to feel, when there is only time for more action and effectiveness to gain even more. But you can’t possibly numb your feelings without attaching feelings to it. I buried all my problems, small or big, because I couldn’t tell it to my parents because I have never learnt to, let alone telling to my friends whom I didnt want to lose.

But feelings won’t just vanish away, just you wanted to. On the other hand, it pretty much works against you. Though by numbing away my personal problems, I appreciated the positivity that came with it because you pretty much force yourself to just see the good in bad in order to go on. And it works a lots of time. I was the center of positivity that lightened up the atmosphere around me. I was content doing it until I wasn’t anymore.
Everyone has a limit. And I wasn’t far from mine when I started to realize how much my used-to-be friends complain about absolutely anything and nothing. So I distanced myself from them. To my disappointment, they didn’t reach out to me and ask how i was doing. When I told them why I was upset with them, they didn’t listen but only defended themselves. I snapped. These aren’t the type of people I wan to be around with, so why did II sta friends with them over the years?

And then it hits me, because I didn’t want to be alone again just like those times I didn’t have a single friend. But the first time in a long while, I wasn’t afraid to be alone because I finally got to know more about myself and the things I found important. I started to love myself more bit by bit and distanced myself from anyone, to have found out who was worth it to have in my life. And the first person who came to mind was myself. In order to work on myself, I slowly have broken the wall around me, brick by brick. I no longer hold patience to anyone who has no ability to listen. I no longer put importance in what people expect me to do or how they view me. My sense for negative people became more sensitive and I knew whom i don’t want to be in my lane. I was finally developing myself.

And it didn’t stop there. It doesn’t stop here. My ongoing goal is not to earn tons of money. I want to keep developing myself and sculpt myself into someone who I would look up to. Someone who is not afraid to go out and take chances. Someone who don’t live by others expectations but by her own terms.

Living by my own terms

From the girl who rambles through life

As long as you are in the game, you are still playing

GAME OVER

It said with big letters on my screen. I let out a sigh, pressed the retry button and not long after, I reappeared again in the game. I immediately began to hide behind the ruinous castle before anyone could attack me. After having died for more than ten times, I knew exactly where the enemies are approaching me. This time will be the last time I will die on this wrecked island. But I waited too long to come out of the safety zone when I got attacked from behind. With just a few shots, I died. Again. Those same frustrating big letters appeared once again.

Okay, whatever, I can just press the retry button and start again. I won’t stop until I can get off this creepy island, crawling with zombies and other decay looking stuff.

With gaming, we can escape reality for a while and enter into indescribable worlds and stories. In some ways, reality doesn’t really differ from games actually. In the real world, we can’t, unfortunately, choose our own character. We were born with a body and a face we can’t choose out from day one. For us, it is: take it or leave it.

However, we can customize it the way we want, maybe not with weapons, like archery arrows, swords, or poisonous potions, yet to some extent, we can dress the way we want. Reality operates just like a role-playing game where the player controls the actions of a character and where one of the main focus is on character development. No one already has a set of mastered skills when we just start to play a new game or just start to live life. I mean, no one expects a newborn to be able to crawl, let alone walking in a decent manner. In a game, a character becomes more experienced by gaining new skills, weapons, magic or just through story-telling. In real life, we may not gain more experience by having or buying more materialistic stuff, but we do get more experience by learning new skills through our course of time. In other words, the story we are living: our own story-telling.

We may not retry previous decisions and situations or erase a part by starting all over again from stage one. It isn’t possible to gain more strength or heal a broken heart by drinking healing potions or using a powerful spell. To make the best out of a game, it requires only one thing of you which is: finish the story, try not to die while playing for the ultimate experience of complete immersion. So again: play & enjoy and finish it while knowing in the back of your mind that you can die endless times. Unfortunately, characters from real life can only die once (besides, who wants to experience death for more than one time, really?). Though life requires us too to play and enjoy to make the best out of it.

We might be mortals, but as long as you are in the game, you are still playing.

As long as you are working on to level up to unlock new skills and achievements, you are playing your own character.

As long as you are playing and moving around, you are bound to discover new things you haven’t imagined it before. Some people become too satisfied too quickly and end up in a rut, feeling stuck and forever trapped in a level they can’t advance from. Instead of looking for ways to continue and puzzle out riddles that block you from going further into the maze of life, they settle in and stop with improving. And when they stop improving, they locked up themselves for the uncommon.

As long as you are in the game, you are still playing.

You only win a game when you finish it, but you only win in life when you keep developing yourself. Remember character development? Each step of improvement in a game takes you to explore phenomenal landscapes and undetected places. It’s the same. If we keep improving ourselves, it will bring us chances to meet new people and unknown places. There is no reset button or a chance to start over. We can’t start over after a ‘’game over.’’ It’s now or never.

As long as you are in the game, you are still playing, but make sure you didn’t press the pause button by accident.

You don’t want to stay on pause for the rest of your remaining game time.

From the girl who rambles through life