I don’t want a forever person, I want a forever passion

I don’t want someone who only sticks around just because we happen to be together for a long period of time. I don’t need a person who stays with me for their own fear of loneliness. If you only stay with me to get labeled as the ”forever person”, then please, the door is over there – help yourselves.

I won’t play along when there is nothing else left for us to continue just to look good together in public while being pointed at and seen as the definition of ”relationship goals”. I don’t want a forever person just for the sake that we have been together what feels like forever.

It’s about what keeps us driving and what keep us moving closer to each other, that’s all that matters in the end. I want to experience passion in all its forms. Not only the typical passion as we know where the sparks are flying off. That type of passion that you see in movies and hear in songs.

No, I want a forever passion that keeps us warm and comfortable.

I want the passion that connects us without constantly needing to know where we stand and wondering if there are any future possibilities.

I don’t need to feel at my highest if I know I will crash down even stronger on my knees moments later because of the instability.

I want a forever passion that embraces me even if I’m not at my most lovable. One that I didn’t have to feel afraid that the fire might go out anytime soon when I’m not paying enough attention to it. Instead of causing butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I look for peace in my mind while my heart will smile brightly when I’m around you.

I don’t want a forever person, I want a forever passion

I want a forever passion that radiates through us, in our actions and how we accidentally caught each other’s glances across the room full of other people. You will see it in our quiet moments and the way we search for each other’s hands when we are sleeping next to each other.

I don’t want a forever person, I want a forever passion

Forever accompanying me, not only in glamorous times but as much as in times of darkness and hopelessness. I don’t need the over the top passion where we spend our days away in bed making love but have nothing to say to each other. Passion is not only built during night outs and perfect lightning that makes our features stand out to make us swoon over each other.

It’s in the small and subtle gestures that are easily overlooked if we take each other for granted.

It’s in the daily things that we do for each other. It’s peeling layers of defense mechanisms that was supposed to protect us to show our authentic self and accepting each other nonetheless.

I don’t want a forever person, I want a forever passion.

From the girl who rambles through life 

Darling, burn bridges if you need to

Change. Something most of us don’t like or even get frightened of. If possible, we would avoid it, ignore it and hope it goes past us without noticing us. Even if we are aware of the possible outcomes that come with it, we feel too comfortable and familiar to let change shift our focus and wakes us up from a deep slumber. Ignoring the alarm bells of a current situation, we snug back into our cave and close our eyes to send ourselves back into a state of hibernation.

What is it that we rather embrace something familiar yet valueless instead of accepting that change is inevitable in some particular cases?

For starters, it might have to do with the act of confrontation. More specifically, confronting a person or a group of people to make the change up and running.

I don’t know about you, but confrontation is a tricky territory for me. I don’t like to be the one who confronts someone or be the one who gets confronted. Either way, it’s not on my list of favorite things to do, softly expressed at least. Needless to say, I used to avoid change when it’s involved with the necessity of confronting someone. I would postpone it until it’s not longer an option to do it. Some changes are easier to incorporate than others. Moving to another country? Scary but doable. Changing diets to maintain a healthy lifestyle? Annoying but necessary. Any change that doesn’t directly have to do with other people are less intimidated to execute than when it is the case.

But it is precisely those changes that lead to the greatest breakthroughs.

It is precisely those intimidating ones that we need to look out for and grasp by its throat and look them straight in the eyes. Even more so, it is our responsibility towards ourselves to make those changes happen.

Like in this case, I have put my life on hold to keep those around me in the back of my mind even though it’s obvious from afar that it is not healthy to keep those relationships around me, whether it is passively or actively dominating our life. If you suffer from current relations, it’s time to take a step back and really consider what the best is for yourself and not anyone else for that matter.

It’s time to burn some bridges to move on.

It’s time to cut some ties loose in order to string other ties tighter back on.

If we don’t make space again for the ones who really have the best interest for us, then we are actually neglecting their time and attention that they have genuinely given to us without expecting something back in return.

The duration of a relation does not per se determines the quality of it nor should it be the only reason to keep those relations around you. Try to break through that thought and see what the foundation of it is really. Is it a sense of obligation because of the fact that it’s a family member? Is it a sense of commitment because of promises that you made towards that person? What is it that you allow them to have space in your life?

Dig deep to find out what kind of relations you have with those around you.

Think before you simply describe someone as a friend. Why is someone your friend? Simply because you have things in common and happen to like to complain about the same things? Ask yourself, is that enough for you to maintain a friendship? Same goes for family. Why would you accept them when they treat you however they like, simply because they happen to be one of your family members?

Nothing is worth keeping when it is attacking your well-being and sanity.  

Sometimes it is more than necessary to burn bridges with those we thought were the closest to us. Do it relentlessly in your own way to make sure that it cannot be built back on again.

Lit those bridges up.
Look at it how it catches in flames
Blow away the ashes
Turn around
Walk away
And never look back.

From the girl who rambles through life

There is no such thing as winning a fight

You know that feeling when you have the last word after a heated fight or discussion? That ”I told you” attitude that stroke your ego back and forth, leaving you satisfied and proud.
Similar to any drug, it gives you an instant kick, makes you feel like you can do anything. But after a while, when the effect has evaporated in the air and you slowly have come back to reality, you will find out that there was really nothing to gain from it. That doesn’t mean that it will refrain us from keep doing it. One, because many of us don’t realize its emptiness and two, even though if we realize it, we still like to do things that are not particularly healthy to us – in which some cases even self-destructive to its core, what might appear as self-righteous on the surface.

In traditional forms of ”fights” or competitions, there is usually a minimum of two participants. Both are viewed as equals from the start and as they continued on with the process within a scheduled time frame; their only goal is to prove the public, their opponent and themselves that they were not only equaled from the beginning but that they were winners all along. Participants from all kinds of fields dedicate their majority of the time – if not – their whole life to pursue becoming a winner for their own personal reasons. For example validation from others and oneself, rewards, confirmation of one’s identity or more similar reasons which are dependable on how others would view them.

This stretches out to most working environments too.

Employers in corporate companies are always on the hunt for initiative-taking and pro-active people. To stimulate a combat atmosphere in which colleagues are more than team members – but also as competitors, which works as a catalyst to work harder to outperform one another. In the end, it keeps everyone satisfied, except for the ones who can’t seem to ”win” at work.  It keeps the employee who wins satisfied, who keep receiving rewards, be it in the form of promotion or a pay raise. It makes the wildest dreams of the employer come true which is – an overall good oiled competitive environment, which leads to more innovation and better productivity – and in the most ideal scenario – better for the economy.

Just because this concept may work in many situations and settings, doesn’t mean we should apply it to all areas of life.

Life is more than work. Not everyone we encounter in life should we view as our opponents – or in a more extreme form – rivals.

If we speak about having ”fights” relationship-wise (not only romantic ones but I’m also talking about family friends), we tend to attack each other instead of attack the spoken problem head-on. That’s because we’ve learned and witnessed that by being the best at something or simply winning at something give us benefits or even privileges. We get overshadowed by this idea that instead of that we focus on solving, we shift our focus on winning.

But the thing is – there is no winner in this context. There is no such thing as winning a fight but only losing or overcoming it. 

Relationships do not work like that. If you are not here for the long run, then fine – you do you. But if you do, hear me out. Winning a fight feels good. It makes your ego jumps up and makes you think you are ”better” than your partner/friend/sister, even though this is relatively unimportant in the scheme of a relationship. Also, you may want to double check why you would want to feel better towards those you claim to care about. Having a relationship is not the same as participating in a contest. You don’t have to prove anything. You don’t have to win anything.

Your partner is not your enemy. Don’t forget that you are on the same team. 

If you ”win” a fight or discussion, it actually means that you have lost it because the problems are still there. It hasn’t been spoken out, let alone focusing on how to do better the next time. If you keep pushing to ”win”, then you are bound to lose the relationship altogether.

You are a team, don’t ever forget that. 

Together, you should aim to attack existent and constant arising conflicts. There is no such thing as winning against your team member. Don’t be against, be cooperative and empathetic in the process of solving everyday difficulties.

Life is messy, things happen 

Why would we want to make it even more difficult for each other and ourselves?

From the girl who rambles through life 

 

 

 

I’m not going to convince you to love me

Our love started unexpectedly and full of impact. We had an instant spark that made our hormones go all over the place. I was crazy about you and you were all I was thinking about. Literally. I neglected myself by adjusting my schedule around yours so I could spend more time with you. I would feel restless when you didn’t give me attention and I would doubt myself when you forgot to kiss me goodbye. You have no idea how much it has affected the way I viewed myself.

Anything you did or didn’t do made me doubt myself.
I was so infatuated that I couldn’t think straight anymore and my fear of losing you grew stronger each passing day. I saw myself slowly changing to someone I no longer recognized nor respected. I became this controlling and possessive freak that did everything to convince you that I’m worthy of your time.

It’s not your fault, I only have myself to blame.

I shouldn’t and I’m not going to convince you to love me anymore.

I treated our love as something that I could have control over. I treated it as my own personal experiment and the worst part was that I convinced you to love me in a way that would make me feel better about myself. But it was never enough because it all comes down to the fact that I lack love towards myself.

The problem wasn’t you, it was me. I have pushed you away by demanding your love for me even though it was already there.

Love is not pushy or demanding.

I should have left it to flow naturally when our heartstrings were still connected to each other.

I was too busy convincing you to love me than to just enjoy the time we spent together.

I’m not going to convince you to love me anymore.

Loving someone shouldn’t feel forced. Instead, it will be the easiest thing to do when nothing else makes sense.

Being in love doesn’t mean constantly seeking for each other’s attention and feel insecure the minute we do our own thing.

I’m not going to convince you to love me.

It is wrong to depend on you to make me feel good about myself. It is and will always be my own responsibility.

The only thing you did was to love me. The problem was that I didn’t know that because I was too busy convincing you that I’m worth loving.

That’s why I’m not going to convince you to love me. I am just going to let you love me. It should always be your own choice that comes deeply from your heart.

From the girl who rambles through life 

How to destroy relationships 101

I am sure that I am not the only one having have lost a couple of friends within a short period of time. On the other hand, I even hear it so much that I think that it is inevitable and bound to happen at some point in life. As for me, change was the turning point that eventually led to a farewell to my long known friends. Only.. change was just a tip of the iceberg – a mere trigger. Change only helped us to open our eyes and reveal our deep insecurities. Let just face it, our ego is bigger than our humility. It is a daily challenge we encounter and most of the time, ego wins and dress us up as their puppet and we voluntarily play along in their manipulative play.

When we decide to let our ego responds to change, we tend to do the following; we project, we blame, we look away and disappear.

We do anything to avoid looking inwards

To avoid confront ourselves why we don’t like the change(s) that is happening in the relationship.

We project and hold a mirror in front of them, then blame them to what happened with the broken reflection. We raise our voice and shove our questions in their faces and force them to give us the answers we want to hear. We disguise our ego by giving the impression that we want to talk it out, but we all know the only thing we want is to win the damn conversation/discussion. When that doesn’t happen, we snap;

”You should put yourself in my shoes” 

A classic sentence that kickoffs the guilt tripping game. In one way or another, we all have participated in this game before – whether in the role of the suspect or the accused one.

Which brings me to another game that involves mostly disappearing. When we disappear on our friend(s), it’s because change makes us uncomfortable to dig up our insecurities and expose us in the light. We rather ghost out on someone than to face the obstacles heads-on that comes with it.

Why do we play such dirty games to the people we claim to care about? 

My two cents? Because if we don’t, the only thing left to do is to look at ourselves and coming to the realization that we don’t really like what we are seeing. It’s hard to come to that conclusion and even more challenging to accept it. It’s even more soul-crushing to realize that you might be partially responsible for the change(s) that occurred in the friendship. Owning up to it means to let go of your ego and to admit that you are part of the reason why this friendship risks of expiring soon.
Like a dirty little secret, your ego will whisper in your ear;

‘’You have failed this friendship. You have failed. Guess what? You are a total loser.’’

And just like that, we give the torch back to our alter ego and abandon ourselves in the shadow.

A place where we don’t allow ourselves to work out on the issues that might save the friendship. It’s a dark place to be where our desire to work it out get overshadowed by the bright light of winning.

Like a tiny devil on your shoulders, your ego will whisper in your ear;

‘’Are you rather be a winner or a loser?’’

And just like that, when we are about to take a step back and willing to go through the steps to make it work –we changed our minds on the very last minute.

We begin to overstep, aggressively pulling down boundaries and destroy the last drop of empathy without second thoughts and leave the ruins behind while making sure, loud and clear, that we have won this battle.

We tell our defeated friend, ‘’This was all your fault.’’

Then, we tell ourselves, ‘’I am the winner, I am a winner.’’

Which brings us to the closing of the game. There are a couple of possibilities of endings, like above as an example. In that case, congratulations, you have just successfully destroyed a friendship. On the other side of this spectrum, you might feel inferior towards your friend after have talked about it. Now you feel like you have lost but especially that everything has been your fault. In a way, sure you have lost by thinking that everything has been your fault but nonetheless, you care enough to speak about it.
An alternative ending is where all parties involved leave their ego where it belongs (a.k.a the trash) and put the setbacks on the table to talk about it and succeed in doing so without feeling inferior or superior towards your friend. Win-win right?

Anyway, if you still want to know how to destroy a relationship? Haven’t you read everything by now? Damn you! Sorry that was my ego speaking.

Anyways, how to destroy relationships?

Let your ego play the lead and everything after that will for sure goes downhill.

No problem, for you anytime!

From the girl who rambles through life 

Life is a series of chances. You could grab it or ignore it.

Life is a series of chances. You can either grab it & make the most out of it or you could regret not having done anything about it.

You came in the classroom. It was the first day at school again. That moment when you walked in, it was clear that I felt something. I didn’t know what it was exactly, but I stopped doing what I was doing and my eyes were only on you. That feeling remained until the last day we spend together in the same classroom. We parted ways but you always have had a special place in me, like a piece that only you could fill in. We never really talked but I knew you were different. Different from the rest.

One of a kind.

Then, life just happened in a flash. I was busy surviving through high school while I was sure you had no problems blending in at your chosen school. Sometimes, I saw you on the subway station, waiting for the next subway. Every time, I promised myself to say hi to you but I never did. I felt ashamed to be even near you. No one liked hanging out with me, so why would you? The person I have always admired, up until now. I didn’t want you to see me like that, so I hid so you couldn’t see me.

Life is a series of chances. You could grab it or ignore it.

I was always the one missing out on all the chances because I was too afraid doing anything about it. But then, changes come and go. I bumped into you at a party. Even though we were a bunch of teenagers, it felt true what I was feeling. We danced the night away but we never did more than that, because there was already someone in my life. It was a typical case of the right person but wrong timing. But time can change everything. Time moves on and passes by and new chances will arise once again.

Just like that evening, when you asked me to have pizza with you at your friend’s place. We ate, laughed and shared stories. We walked around with no plans in the back of our mind and we ended up sitting in the dark on a bench, right in front of your home. That moment, I didn’t take a chance. I simply felt safe around you and finally told you that I have always liked you and that it was a shame our path never really have crossed to have a chance. I remembered we looked up to the stars in the sky. Both quiet, both turning our head towards each other.

It was you.

You took a leap of faith and grabbed the chance that has given to us at that precise moment and I’m forever grateful for that.
You took it and I gave in.

And guess what? Eight years later, still taking chances and risks; together, always.

From the girl who rambles through life 

 

 

The bond with your friends show a great part of what kind of bond you have with yourself

Have you ever took a good look at the people in your life?

The people you call your friends and occasionally hang out with over a cup of coffee, the people you spend time with during weekends. The ones you share your funny moments with. The ones you invite over for your birthday or another important occasion. Have you ever had thought about why you started off as friends? Was it because you had an instant connection and you really think that person is interesting? Or was it just confidential and a matter of venue and timing that you have approached one another and ended up becoming friends because of the amount of time you see each other, like during high school or at work.

If you like me had no specific requirements to befriend someone, then you used to have friends which you wonder nowadays why you even became friends in the first place. And guess what? Those are no longer my friends so that also explains it. I only cared about being liked by others, no matter who it was.

Anyone would be enough.

I didn’t have any specific liking because I just want to be friends with anyone who I encounter with or at least that I know of that they didn’t have a dislike towards me. That was enough for me. Now, I laugh at myself for acting like such a doormat and someone who has no backbone whatsoever. What was I seriously thinking?

In my opinion, true friendships are for a lifetime. It brings out the best of yourself, like in romantic relationships or any relationship with depth for that matter.
But what does a friendship needs to get it to work? Besides the same kind of humor and anytime down for food, which is essential to me, there is one more thing that determines whether you are surrounded with the kind of people who make your stomach ache from laughing or let your stress level sky rocking rapidly.

That thing is called self-knowledge.

Without digging deeper to get through the surface of yourself, you won’t able to discover why you are the way you are. You won’t get understanding of your own thoughts and motives or what makes your heart beat faster. You won’t get to know why you act a certain way or act out of character when being put in a certain situation.  You won’t ever unravel your abilities, let alone understand it in order to work on it and bring out its potential. It will just sit there in the dark and wait for its owner to dust off the dirt so it can let rays of light nourish it in order to reinforce its hidden powers.

Without having the slightest bit of self-knowledge, you won’t be able to love yourself fully and pure. You will just drift along the surface and go along with anything that happens to you, including with the people you spend time with. How you treat yourself and how well you know yourself reflect back on the type of interaction you willing to accept with those you have allowed a space in your life.

The bond between you and your friends show a great part of what kind of bond you have with yourself too.

These are the people you namely share your voice with. If you mostly get engaged in superficial conversations or gossips, then it doesn’t immediately says that you are a superficial person too. But it can say about the number of layers you have pulled down from yourself. The layers of consciousness of yourself and your environment. It can say that you are not conscious of the things you say which may possibly hurt others. That you can’t put yourself in other’s shoes.

If you caught yourself that you only spend time with certain people to do stuff with but have no awareness what strike the strings of your friend’s heart, and also do not want to particularly want to find out, then it can say a lot about how comfortable you feel in your own skin. Maybe you are not comfortable being by yourself with your own thoughts. Maybe you get insecure the minute you find out that no one has time for you so you can’t fill in your free time with activities to do with other people. Why? Because you don’t know what to do with yourself. It makes your palms sweat, it freaks you out to be alone, even for a short amount of time.
If you find out that you agree with everything, including the things your friends do, the places your friend wants to go or the topics your friends speak about, then it says something about your fear of confrontations or an unhealthy longing for harmony. Have you always had to hold back yourself to state an unpopular opinion? Have you always had the need to be the one who makes sure everyone is feeling comfortable and having fun, while neglecting wholly your own feelings? If you feel drained and full of negativity by the time you get home again after having out with your friend(s), then it can mean that your shield of self-worth wasn’t much, to begin with, or has been shattered by the toxicity you allowed them to pierce through your well-being.

Without knowing yourself, you can’t possibly work on a meaningful friendship which works for both parties.

Without loving yourself first, you can’t create healthy, balanced relationships.

It can even make you feel stuck in a loop of the inability to getting know yourself better. And that, my friend, is such a waste of living, without or with people around you.

From the girl who rambles through life